Intimacy in marriage is something many couples struggle with. How to keep the spark alive? How to feel close and connected… like you used to be in the beginning?
Do you feel a loss of connection with your partner? And does that destroy your intimacy?
You remember when you first met and fell in love… It was easy. Your connection felt like a flowing, loving, living being… But now, being intimate feels like a chore and you’re both unhappy with the level of intimacy in your marriage.
You might feel like all your partner wants is to “get it on”, regardless if you’re tired and not feeling sexy. You’re busy meeting the demands of kids, career, family, and therefore it’s difficult to find time to be sexy, or want sex. Many women experience this.
For most men, however, their common complaint is that their mate never initiates and isn’t interested. They might feel rejected, even though they work hard to be the provider and to keep their family safe.
Our expert for this article is Dr. Felice Dunas, a Doctor of Chinese Medicine with a specialty in sexuality and relationships. She explains that the root cause of all these issues is a lack of connection, communication and an imbalance of the relationship, which leads to resentment and misunderstandings.
It’s a vicious cycle that repeats itself until couples open up and address the unconscious behaviors leading to these feelings.
Our unconscious behaviors can trigger a cycle that kills intimacy in a marriage. Here is how it plays out:
Step 1: A woman often craves and expresses her needs in a more emotional way. She wants to feel supported by her partner. She wants to feel adored and understood. She wants to see her man demonstrate in actions how much he loves her. She wants him to get more involved around the house, or with the children, in appreciation for the precious family they have! She wants him to plan romantic dates or vacations. These might be conscious or subconscious desires… and maybe she doesn’t express them out loud.
However, she feels that once these desires are fulfilled, she’ll be more willing and open to having sex more often. But because she doesn’t get these needs met, she’s closed off and frustrated.
Step 2: On the other hand, the man is focused on his professional responsibilities, or his hobbies, and hasn’t realized his partner is overworked and tired, or feeling unappreciated. He wants to be close to her, and the way he knows to do it, is to connect physically, but she has been pushing him away. He doesn’t understand why, causing frustration and resentment on his side, too.
Step 3: Seeing her man’s frustration, the woman feels even less connected and less inclined to open up and be physically affectionate with him.
Step 4: The more she pushes him away, the less connected he feels, and the less he gets involved in what’s important to her—helping with household chores and childcare, being romantic and appreciative, and so on.
See how that cycle gets formed and just gets worse and worse? Years of this pattern end up killing intimacy in marriage.
Both partners begin to feel like this is the new normal, with neither partner getting the attention they need to connect… and the relationship keeps drifting further apart.
Until these unconscious behaviors are dealt with, this destructive cycle continues. Intimacy in marriage is lost, and both partners feel like they’re being abandoned or rejected.
Does any of this sound familiar? Are you and your partner finding yourself in this cycle? Are you wondering how to break the cycle?
It’s simple. Balance.
Female and male. Yin and Yang.
By adding the capacity to be receptive and be creative, you and your partner will be able to achieve balance. When women are unable to be receptive, they become frustrated. When men are blocked from contribution and creativity, they become frustrated.
When a woman is feeling imbalanced, giving to others and feeling stressed and overwhelmed, she is going to end up sick, weak, unhappy and, eventually, unreceptive to receiving. She will become controlling and overbearing and she will feel as if she’s “losing herself” in the relationship.
When a man feels his offering is not received or is being criticized or rejected, he has more difficulty connecting to his emotional side. He allows his own creativity, beliefs and sex drive to take a backseat to what his woman wants.
Learning to balance your needs as a couple through sexuality, diet, lifestyle and the way you relate to your partner are the keys to restoring intimacy in your marriage. Dr. Dunas says that in fact, a healthy sex life can be the single most powerful catalyst for happiness and healing in love and life.
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Intimacy in marriage can be restored, and it’s easy and fun to learn how, with the help of our experts!