Okay, let’s get the obvious out of the way.
How can I claim to know what your relationship problems are about and how to fix them if I’ve never met you?
Because I’ve been helping struggling couples for over 40 years, and in that time, I’ve also been teaching graduate students how to be marriage therapists.
That’s a whole lot of couples and data.
As a researcher, data is important to me, and it should be important to you, too, if you want to save your marriage.
Because in this case, the data is what we’ve learned from seeing what works to keep love alive, and what sends couples heading to divorce lawyers.
The data is your friend. I love data. And the data tells me this:
When a couple in trouble comes to me, they often think they have a unique story. They want to spend precious (and pricey) therapy time going over the intricate details of their problem and how things have fallen apart.
They give me the play-by-play of the latest fight—which is usually a replay of the same fight they’ve had countless times with only slight variations.
They want to sit there and point fingers at each other, and many of them tell me that if something doesn’t change—and soon—they can’t go on any longer.
I’ve heard all this before. None of it really matters. If it DID matter, they would have solved their own problem long ago.
But they’re here now, in front of me. The story isn’t working. The solutions aren’t coming. And that’s because they’re not seeing their problem clearly in the first place.
If you’re in a dire state in your relationship, sinking deeper into despair, you’re swimming in dark waters—literally.
Let me explain what I mean.
Things look dark in your relationship because you’re stuck thinking only about the problem.
Imagine your marriage as a big white canvas. With one tiny black dot in the middle.
You’ve got all this space to play around and create in, but you’re stuck in the black dot. That’s all you see.
The black dot represents your problems.
The white space is the possibility for happiness.
What you have is a problem of perception—you’re focusing on the wrong thing.
If you think this is much too simple. To you, this black dot is HUGE. It’s making you miserable. It’s driving you to divorce. How can you NOT focus on it?
When all you focus on day in and day out is the black dot, then your entire relationship will feel like it’s only the black dot.
Your spouse will seem like a stranger, or an ogre. You’ll wonder ceaselessly about how your relationship could go from so good to so awful. You’ll sink deeper and deeper, unable to perceive ANYTHING positive about your partner or your situation.
This, sadly, is the recipe for developing contempt—and once you get to the point of contempt, there’s usually no turning back.
That’s why, if you have even an inkling of wanting to work it out with your spouse, you must turn on the light. You must stop living your whole relationship inside that black dot.
No matter what your particular problems are, I can practically guarantee that you’re stuck in the black dot and not even aware of all the solutions that exist around you.
Talking about the same old problems in the same old way is weakening your marriage day by day.
You need to do something different.
To get out of this downward spiral (the black dot), conversations about issues should be geared toward solutions (the white space).
Men, especially, respond very well to this. They feel bogged down and helpless talking about the same problem, so they tend to withdraw or become defensive, which in turn of course creates more problems.
If both of you can start moving toward solutions, the entire dynamic of the relationship gradually starts to change.
The sun peeks out from the clouds, and suddenly there is a pop of affection that hasn’t been there for maybe years.
That little spark gets bigger and bigger, shifting you into looking at what’s right with the relationship.
There may not seem like there’s nothing right. But something very right brought the two of you together, and it’s still there. Getting out of the black dot and into the white space helps you find it.
In my program Wake Up In A New Marriage, I’ll teach exactly how to shift the dynamic in your marriage so that you actually want to be in it!
When you’re in the black dot and stuck in the problem, connection just isn’t possible. And connection is what keeps love alive. Once you step into the white space, connection blooms once again and love comes flooding back.
This doesn’t mean sugar coating what you don’t like about your spouse. You’ll learn a three-step method for reframing complaints so that both of you avoid getting stuck in go-nowhere problems that only create frustration and disconnection.
I’ll also teach you specific body-language activities you can do that can increase your connection in a way that will astound both of you.
This solutions-based framework is radically different from the stuck-in-the-problem climate the couple has been operating in. In 5 hours of video, you’ll learn the same critical communication and connection skills I teach the couples I work with in order to live their relationships in the boundless realm of the white space.Make a Relationship U-Turn
If I sound excited, it’s because I’ve seen so many couples on the verge of divorce bounce back—with enormous gratitude that they were willing to do things differently and try my approach. I want the same for you.
May you have an extraordinary day,