Have you and your partner grown apart?
Maybe you still love each other, but aren’t IN LOVE with each other.
That’s a lonely and painful place to be. It can make you feel hopeless about your future together, especially if you’re also dealing with a lot of problems in your marriage.
Veteran marriage and family therapist, author, and distinguished professor
But what if NONE of your problems mattered as much anymore and you could get back to how it was when you were first falling in love?
Remember what that was like?
You craved each other. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other.
You loved spending time together. You made each other a priority, regardless of what else you had going on, because your love was as vital to you as air.
Remember how you could tell each other anything? Nothing was off limits. You’d share things you never told anyone else before, sad things from your past and your deepest fears.
But there were lighter moments, too. You made up private jokes and laughed at each other or at yourselves. It’s hard to take life too seriously when you’re in love, right?
You’d go to bed each night and wake up each morning feeling deeply content, knowing there was someone in your life who always had your back, no matter what.
You were there for each other through personal challenges, and celebrated the victories and successes together.
And problems? It seemed there was nothing you couldn’t overcome. No misunderstanding persisted for long. Your love could get you through anything.
Your love gave you courage. You felt so alive!
You had a best friend who understood you and loved you AND all your idiosyncrasies.
You were adored and cherished. You felt beautiful and wanted.
If you’re like most people, you may think that what you felt early on in your relationship—the first two years or so—is what true love is supposed to feel like.
All those euphoric moments, all that vulnerability, all that delicious connection.
But what if I were to tell you that what you felt back then was simply infatuation, and the reason it felt easy is because it’s supposed to feel easy. Nature wants us to connect. It creates the chemicals and conditions that accentuate the positive and dull the negative.
It’s why they say, “love is blind.” It is, in the beginning.
It’s only after the infatuation naturally recedes that things become a little more…real. And sometimes, more challenging.
That doesn’t mean that you’ll never get back to that blissful state you once had together. Quite the opposite!
You see, it doesn’t matter what kind of problems you’re dealing with right now.
It doesn’t matter how far apart you’ve grown.
Whatever issues you’re facing, they are surmountable. You can be happy, and feel close again.
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You can overcome just about any crisis and feel closer than you did even when you were first falling in love. You can have a deeper, wiser kind of love—a love that can stand the test of time and be your safe harbor through life’s ups and downs. A love that is luxurious with joy, laughter, and passion.
How can you go from wondering if you’re still in love to feeling more in love than before? How can you overcome all those problems you’re struggling with right now?
There’s only one way, and it’s the easiest and best way:
By learning the skills to deeply connect with each other.
You may be thinking to yourself, well sure, it’s easy to stay connected when you don’t have any problems to deal with.
Problems like the ones you may be facing right now: parenting challenges, job loss, elder care, illness, sexual dysfunction, infidelity, addictions, jealousy, financial woes, you name it.
These problems have cast a shadow over your marriage.
You haven’t agreed about most things. You’ve been bickering, stonewalling, and giving each other the silent treatment.
Your partner hasn’t been as supportive as you needed them to be, especially when you needed them most.
Perhaps they don’t understand you or they accuse you of being selfish or irresponsible.
Or they’re just absent—emotionally, physically, sexually.
And quite frankly, it’s no wonder you don’t know how you feel about them anymore.
You worry that all these issues you’ve been facing over the years have destroyed the love and connection you once had for each other. If only you were one of the “lucky” couples who don’t have as many problems, or ANY problems. Then you could feel connected and in love again.
But you’d be wrong about that.
You see, research shows something astounding:
Happy couples have just as many problems as unhappy couples—about 10 or so—that they never solve. Just like you, they may argue, agree to disagree, or sweep it under the rug.
But here’s the surprising part: whether or not a couple has problems isn’t a predictor of stability in a relationship.
The greatest predictor of stability and happiness in a long-term relationship is whether a couple has the ability to STAY CONNECTED with each other, regardless of any problems.
If a couple knows what to do to stay connected through the ups and downs of life, then they have an exponentially greater chance of having a joyful, passionate, secure relationship well into the golden years.
So, what does it take to stay connected?
It starts with a shift in perception. This shift makes ALL the difference between being mired in the “problems” of relationship and seeing your partner as the antagonist to your happiness…to seeing your life together as an adventure and your mate as a loving, supportive, trustworthy partner in the journey.
Here’s an anecdote that illustrates how this shift happens and why it’s important…
I held a workshop for couples once where I started the day by showing the participants a large poster I had created.
The poster depicted a black dot surrounded by white space.
I put the poster away and asked everyone in the room to tell me what they saw.
Everyone in the room replied that they saw a black dot, which represented maybe less than 10% of the area of the poster. No one mentioned anything about the white space around the black dot. This wasn’t surprising, but it was helpful in making my point.
Think of the black dot as all the problems you’re facing in your relationship. The bad feelings, the arguments, the money issues, the non-existent sex life. All you see is the problem, or the black dot. It’s hard for you to make the shift to see the white space, which is analogous to the quality of your connection with each other.
In other words…
Black dot = your problems
White space = your connection
Every relationship has a black dot, or problems. Again, research shows that every couple is grappling with about 10 problems at any given moment. But do you just focus on the dot, making it larger than it actually is, or do you focus on the white space around the dot?
Think of the white space, or the quality of your connection, as the system in which your love operates.
If the system is sound, your problems aren’t as overwhelming. They aren’t your sole focus. The system works to solve the problem, or to minimize it.
The black dot recedes and loses its visual impact.
If your system, or connection, is weak, then the black dot grows to be large and imposing. It’s all you can think about, it gets in the way of your love, and eventually becomes the last straw.
The way to make your relationship work is to treat the system, not the symptom.
Make your connection so strong that your relationship problems cease to be all-consuming or so destructive.
If you strengthen the system—or how you relate to each other, show up, behave, and tune in—you’ll be surprised at how little intensity and impact the issues you’re facing now will have on your daily life.
When you strengthen your connection, you can’t help but change your entire relationship.
You’ll begin to see all the things your partner is doing right, not focus on everything they’re doing wrong.
Your partner will want to please you, and you’ll appreciate them for it, instead of feeling resentful about what’s missing.
You’ll see problems as opportunities for relational growth or adventure, instead of impediments to your closeness.
You’ll understand what your partner needs to feel loved and be able to provide that to them enthusiastically, and without keeping score.
They’ll be more physically affectionate, and you’ll feel relaxed in their presence.
You’ll share more of what’s really in your heart, instead of just talking about bills, schedules, or nagging about the to-do list.
There will be WAY less criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, and contempt. Those unpleasant aspects of your daily life will fade and disappear.
It seems more light-hearted, kinder, and more loving. You’re happier than you’ve been in a long time.
And it just keeps getting better and better and better.
How do I know that this is really what happens when you treat the system and strengthen the connection?
Because I’ve spent decades researching the science of relationships, getting to the truth of what skills are necessary to keep couples happy for life.
But more importantly, I have over 40 years of clinical practice working with couples of all ages and backgrounds to confirm it.
I used everything I learned to develop tools and skills that anyone can use to instantly improve the connection with their partner, which makes almost ANY problem workable or irrelevant.
I’ve since shared these tools and skills with couples, students, and readers all over the world, through my workshops, books, and training programs. I’ve heard countless success stories and have seen first-hand how marriages can be transformed overnight from despondent to hopeful.
And now, I’m thrilled to be able to share these discoveries and insights with you.
I had one requirement for developing the skills and tools that would help couples reconnect: the research I evaluated about what works and what doesn’t to forge a happy marriage HAD to match my clinical experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist.
That means that I had to see evidence that the skills the studies promoted applied to real couples with real issues, and they had to apply across the board—regardless of age, circumstance, or background.
These skills had to work for couples who were simply growing apart, and it had to work in the most dire of circumstances, for couples dealing with the deepest pain or a crisis.
These had to be skills that were simple to learn and easy to do.
They had to be effective and had to transform a relationship quickly, even if only one person in the relationship was on board with learning and applying what they learned.
And they had to be skills that were naturally demonstrated by authentically happy couples—couples who saw themselves as being happy and whom others saw as being happy.
I took everything I learned that fit the guidelines to design and develop my video program, Wake Up In A New Marriage: Science, Skills and Stories To Help You Transform Your Love From Ordinary To Extraordinary.
This 5+ hour video program teaches you the critical 5 skills that help you reconnect and stay connected to your partner, so you can solve any problem and grow to love each other more than ever.
It shows you how to consciously become more present to your partner, so you’re not just going through the motions if you’ve grown apart.
It’ll show you how to strengthen the system—or the connection—between you and your partner, so that you can feel closer, open up the channels of communication, work together to solve problems, and feel more invested in the relationship.
You’ll learn practical tips on how to tune in to what your partner is feeling and needing, so they’ll be better inspired and motivated to understand what you’re feeling and needing, as well.
You’ll hear the surprising science behind why certain hormones affect how much you speak with your partner and the kinds of things you like to discuss, and the practical, easy way to increase bonding between you and your partner. You’ll hear what science has to say about how your thoughts affect your partner, and how you can improve your marriage even without saying a word.
You’ll also learn why most couples do it wrong when it comes to trying to “work through” their issues, and the simple shift that can make it much easier, more fun, and less stressful to reconnect.
The skills and tools you’ll get with this program are positive and specific.
They work whether you’re looking to keep your new marriage happy, resilient, and break-up proof…
or re-spark passion and devotion in a relationship that has grown apart…
or prevent a separation by healing a relationship that’s been in crisis for a while.
No matter what the state is of your relationship, you’ll learn the skills it takes to make your ordinary relationship extraordinary.
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Place your order and be watching Wake Up In A New Marriage: Science, Skills and Stories to Help You Understand and Improve Any Love Relationship in a matter of minutes. Take a full 7 days to examine the program, try out all the easy skills for reconnecting on your partner. See for yourself how effective these simple tools are for creating a happier and more loving marriage, no matter how many problems you’re facing right now as a couple.
If, at the end of the 7 days, you decide this isn’t the right solution for you, simply let me know and I’ll refund your investment in FULL, no questions, no hassle. This is my promise: You’ll find outstanding value from this program after putting it into practice for a full week or pay nothing!
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When you’re going through a tough time in your relationship, it can make you feel alone and lost. You think no one understands what you’re going through, including your partner. The problems you face seem daunting and intolerable.
That’s probably what one particular couple must have been feeling when they called me, desperate to register for a workshop I was facilitating. I told them the workshop was already overbooked and didn’t have room for them. After they explained that they were supposed to get married in a week but had called the wedding off, I agreed to let them attend, as long as they were okay sitting on the floor.
At the end of the second day of the workshop, they stood up and announced that their wedding was back on. Everyone applauded. I was hoping that it was some brilliant lecture I had given that day that cinched it for them or addressed their issues, but it wasn’t. Not exactly.
What was it that convinced them that they could make it after all?
They realized that other couples have problems too—even similar problems to the ones they were having.
They saw that having problems in a relationship was normal. It didn’t mean they couldn’t be happy or stay in love. They learned what thousands of couples have learned from me in the decades since I’ve been teaching these principles: that the secret to a happy marriage is not eliminating problems, it’s having the skills to stay connected, so that any problems that inevitably come up are bearable and workable.
You can see this first-hand in my Wake Up In A New Marriage video program. I interviewed happy couples who’ve been together anywhere from five to fifty-seven years, and you can hear them relay that they, too, had their share of problems over the years, but they’re together and they adore each other. They can’t imagine life without each other.
Their challenges were all different, but they have something important in common: they know how to stay connected through the good times, but especially through the bad times.
Staying connected turns adversity into adventure. It makes you more resilient and brings you closer, versus tearing you apart.
Connection creates moments when you gaze at each other lovingly, remembering everything you’ve been through, and know that you’ll always be there for each other. Connection creates moments of joy and laughter, despite the problems that may be on the horizon.
These are the magic moments we long for in a marriage.
These are the moments, that when woven together, make an ordinary relationship extraordinary.
May you have an extraordinary day,