“Honey, we need to talk.”
Have you ever said this to your husband or boyfriend?
Think back to how things went after you said that.
Acclaimed author, speaker & therapist helping couples overcome (seemingly) insurmountable challenges to create a more joyous, connected partnership.
Maybe the “talking” turned into “bickering”. Maybe he became defensive and blamed YOU. Maybe he shut down and walked away.
That’s because a man would probably rather hear nails across a chalkboard than his partner uttering those five words to him.
Intuitively, you probably already know—based on past experience—that your partner doesn’t respond well to “the talk”. But how else are you supposed to get through to him?
You tried being polite and asking for what you want.
…Honey, do you mind taking your dirty dishes to the sink instead of leaving them on the coffee table for me to clean up?
You tried to express your feelings.
…I don’t like cleaning up after you. It makes me feel unappreciated.
You tried warnings and ultimatums.
…If I find another dirty mug and plate where it doesn’t belong, I’m going to scream.
You tried getting his attention with angry outbursts.
…I’ve had it! Are you even listening to me??!
You don’t get it. Isn’t talking about your relationship supposed to help you solve issues and bring you closer? How else are you supposed to improve your relationship if you can’t TALK about it!
Well, for one thing…
That’s a bold and shocking statement, I know. But, it’s true.
How do I know it’s true? Because research and my own clinical experience working with couples for more than four decades has validated it.
Talking about your relationship in an attempt to fix an issue or reconnect typically makes things worse, not better. Why?
It’s not because you don’t know how to communicate. It’s not because you failed to use “I feel…” statements or to give him an opportunity to speak while you just listen. It’s not because he tends to interrupt you or misunderstand what you’re saying.
It’s not because you pick the wrong time to talk. You can’t always make an “appointment” with him to tell him how he’s upsetting you or bring up something important. Sometimes you just need to say what you’re going to say without a big preamble. Besides, setting aside time makes “the talk” seem like a bigger deal than you want it to be.
It’s not because he doesn’t care about your feelings. You may think he doesn’t want to deal with your negative emotions or make an effort to make you happy. On the contrary, men want to be close in a relationship, and they want their mate to be happy.
None of these reasons are why talking isn’t making your relationship better.
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The reason that talking doesn’t make your relationship better is because it fails to bring you closer.
Talking may work to bring you and your girlfriends or female family members closer when you’re experiencing conflicts or have misunderstandings.
With them, you get things out in the open, you talk until you both feel better, you hug, and in the end you probably feel closer.
But it won’t necessarily bring you and your man closer the same way particularly when the talking focuses on problems and complaints.
There’s a very good reason for this.
And it’s this:
The sexes have very different reactions to talking through problems in a relationship.
When a woman feels distant from her mate, it brings up feelings of fear and anxiety. This is a normal reaction for women, who thrive on connection and closeness.
When women feel isolated and feeling rejected, they get worried and anxious.
This is why, if you’re a woman and you’re upset or unhappy, you want to talk it through. You want to feel connected again, and talking helps.
If you’re a man, and your mate wants to bring up her frustration and unhappiness with the relationship and you, it brings up an entirely different feeling.
Shame. Inadequacy. Weakness.
Let’s say you want to talk about how he’s on his phone in the evenings instead of being present with you. So you say,
“I feel ignored and neglected when I see you’d rather be scrolling through your phone than be present with me.”
You just want him to acknowledge your feelings and needs and put his phone down for a change. You want him to connect with you, see you, hold you.
When he hears your complaint, he believes that he’s disappointed you and he feels ashamed. His shame is so overwhelming at times that he can’t see beyond it and acknowledge that you’re anxious or feeling rejected.
Instead of responding the way you’d like—pulling you close and putting his arm around you to tell you he’s sorry and that he loves you—he freezes up, gets defensive and shuts down.
He is thinking, “I’ve failed her.”
Maybe he tells you, “This is the first time I’ve checked my social media all day. I see you checking your phone all the time. Why is it okay when you do it but not okay when I do it?”
Or he puts his phone down in a huff and pouts all night.
Or gives you the silent treatment.
The more he shuts down, the lonelier and more frustrated you feel.
The lonelier you feel, the more you get resentful.
The more resentful you are, the more you criticize and complain.
And the more he feels like a failure.
It’s a downward spiral toward an emotional disconnect. And emotional disconnect is another way of saying you’re starting to grow apart…a little more each day.
With every unheard appeal for closeness, with every defensive outburst, with every heavy sigh and eyeroll.
When you’re growing apart from your partner, you’re in a precarious place in your relationship. That’s because…
Statistics show that 80% of couples cite “growing apart” as the reason they called it quits.
When you say that you’re “growing apart”, it’s “code” for I’m done being unhappy, I don’t love you anymore, and I’d rather make a life without you, thank you very much.
It’s tragic, and it doesn’t have to happen.
And to think it may have all started with, “Honey, we need to talk.”
Isn’t good communication the key to a good relationship, you might ask?
Aren’t you supposed to be honest with your partner?
Yes, of course.
I’m not suggesting that good communication is irrelevant, or that you have to lie or stay quiet about how upset or unhappy you are.
Avoiding “the talk” doesn’t mean you can never complain to your partner!
You just need to communicate in a way that makes him want to please you instead of shutting down in shame and embarrassment.
And that takes:
In other words, you have to know how to reconnect your relationship in other ways besides just endless talking about your problems.
And that’s something I can absolutely help you with.
You see, I’ve spent decades researching the science of relationships, getting to the truth of what skills are necessary to keep couples happy for life.
But more importantly, I have over 40 years of clinical practice working with couples of all ages and backgrounds to confirm it.
I used everything I learned to develop tools and skills that anyone can use to instantly improve the connection with their partner without “talking about it”.
I’ve since shared these tools and skills with couples, students, and readers all over the world, through my workshops, books, and training programs.
I’ve heard countless success stories and have seen first-hand how relationships can be transformed overnight from despondent to hopeful—using strategies that are nothing like what you’re used to doing. In other words, they’re counterintuitive.
And now, I’m thrilled to be able to share these discoveries and insights with you.
There are certain skills and tools I discovered that will keep your relationship strong, vital, joyful without having to “talk about it” all the time. These skills will show you how to stay connected, so communication is effortless, and “complaining” is unnecessary.
I had one requirement for developing these skills and tools that would help couples reconnect: the research I evaluated about what works and what doesn’t to forge a happy relationship HAD to match my clinical experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist.
That means that I had to see evidence that the skills the studies promoted applied to real couples with real issues, and they had to apply across the board—regardless of age, circumstance, or background.
These skills had to work for couples who were simply growing apart, and it had to work in the most dire of circumstances, for couples dealing with the deepest pain or a crisis.
These had to be skills that were simple to learn and easy to do.
They had to be effective and had to transform a relationship quickly, even if only one person in the relationship was on board with learning and applying what they learned.
And they had to be skills that were naturally demonstrated by authentically happy couples—couples who saw themselves as being happy and whom others saw as being happy.
I took everything I learned that fit the guidelines to design and develop my video program, Wake Up In A New Marriage: Science, Skills and Stories To Help You Transform Your Love From Ordinary To Extraordinary.
This 5+ hour video program teaches you the critical 5 skills that help you reconnect and stay connected to your partner, so you can solve any problem and grow to love each other more than ever.
It shows you how to consciously become more present to your partner, so you’re not just going through the motions if you’ve grown apart.
It’ll show you how to strengthen the connection—between you and your partner, so that you can feel closer, open up positive channels of communication, and feel more invested in the relationship.
You’ll learn practical tips on how to tune in to what your partner is feeling and needing, so they’ll be better inspired and motivated to understand what you’re feeling and needing, as well.
You’ll hear the surprising science behind why certain hormones affect how much you speak with your partner and the kinds of things you like to discuss, and the practical, easy way to increase bonding between you and your partner.
You’ll hear what science has to say about how your thoughts affect your partner, and how you can improve your marriage even without saying a word.
You’ll also learn why most couples do it wrong when it comes to trying to “work through” their issues, and the simple shift that can make it much easier, more fun, and less stressful to reconnect.
The skills and tools you’ll get with this program are positive and specific.
They work whether you’re looking to keep your new relationship happy, resilient, and break-up proof…
or re-spark passion and devotion in a relationship that has grown apart…
or prevent a separation by healing a relationship that’s been in crisis for a while.
No matter what the state is of your relationship, you’ll learn the skills it takes to make your ordinary relationship extraordinary.
Our gift to you: a free month of our Transformational Interview Series, where you’ll learn skills and strategies to radically improve all your relationships. You’ll meet a new expert every month, sharing powerful skills and breakthroughs on relationship topics that matter: resolving conflict, setting boundaries, increasing intimacy, practicing genuine self-love… and much, much more.
In addition to monthly eye-opening interviews, we’ve got loads of surprises and bonus content to sweeten the deal (including these three gems in your first free month!)
If you love the program, do nothing. Every month you’ll receive another empowering interview for $19.97/mo. If you don’t want to receive any more interviews or bonus surprises, simply cancel (don’t worry – it’s super easy to do) and you won’t pay a thing.
Place your order and be watching Wake Up In A New Marriage: Science, Skills and Stories to Help You Understand and Improve Any Love Relationship in a matter of minutes. Take a full 7 days to examine the program, try out all the easy skills for reconnecting on your partner. See for yourself how effective these simple tools are for creating a happier and more loving marriage, no matter how many problems you’re facing right now as a couple.
If, at the end of the 7 days, you decide this isn’t the right solution for you, simply let me know and I’ll refund your investment in FULL, no questions, no hassle. This is my promise: You’ll find outstanding value from this program after putting it into practice for a full week or pay nothing!
You’ll be able to access the program within minutes of purchasing.
7 full days of unlimited access before deciding to keep it.
Not 100% thrilled? Let me know and I’ll give you a full refund.
When you’re going through a tough time in your relationship, it can make you feel alone and lost. You think no one understands what you’re going through, including your partner. The problems you face seem daunting and intolerable.
That’s probably what one particular couple must have been feeling when they called me, desperate to register for a workshop I was facilitating. I told them the workshop was already overbooked and didn’t have room for them. After they explained that they were supposed to get married in a week but had called the wedding off, I agreed to let them attend, as long as they were okay sitting on the floor.
At the end of the second day of the workshop, they stood up and announced that their wedding was back on. Everyone applauded. I was hoping that it was some brilliant lecture I had given that day that cinched it for them or addressed their issues, but it wasn’t. Not exactly.
What was it that convinced them that they could make it after all?
They realized that other couples have problems too—even similar problems to the ones they were having.
They saw that having problems in a relationship was normal. It didn’t mean they couldn’t be happy or stay in love. They learned what thousands of couples have learned from me in the decades since I’ve been teaching these principles: that the secret to a happy marriage is not eliminating problems, it’s having the skills to stay connected, so that any problems that inevitably come up are bearable and workable.
You can see this first-hand in my Wake Up In A New Marriage video program. I interviewed happy couples who’ve been together anywhere from five to fifty-seven years, and you can hear them relay that they, too, had their share of problems over the years, but they’re together and they adore each other. They can’t imagine life without each other.
Their challenges were all different, but they have something important in common: they know how to stay connected through the good times, but especially through the bad times.
Staying connected turns adversity into adventure. It makes you more resilient and brings you closer, versus tearing you apart.
Connection creates moments when you gaze at each other lovingly, remembering everything you’ve been through, and know that you’ll always be there for each other. Connection creates moments of joy and laughter, despite the problems that may be on the horizon.
These are the magic moments we long for in a marriage.
These are the moments, that when woven together, make an ordinary relationship extraordinary.
May you have an extraordinary day,