Are you a single woman over the age of 40?
Then I’m going to tell you something you may not want to hear: you are missing men who could make you damn happy by acting unfairly or inaccurately judging.
Perhaps you’ve been using an online dating site or app, and you haven’t had much luck with it. Maybe you don’t think there are enough attractive, interesting men online you’d want to date.
You’ve sifted through what seems like hundreds of profiles, and you’ve either swiped left or clicked through most of them.
A few guys contacted you, but you didn’t respond. You had your reasons:
He didn’t write anything clever or thoughtful in his message.
He only “flirted” and didn’t take time to even write.
He referred to you by the wrong name.
You didn’t like his profile photos. They were unflattering, blurry, or just goofy.
His profile had poor grammar.
He took too long to respond after you messaged or texted him.
He was into hobbies in which you have zero interest.
He only had a high school education.
He was too bald, too pudgy, too pale, too gray—just wasn’t your “type”.
Your vision is to meet a man who is tall, caring, handsome, successful, and educated. You don’t want to settle, and you don’t care to compromise your dream.
I get it.
But what if all your deal-breakers are preventing you from connecting with your One Special Guy?
It’s possible that your deal breakers are preventing you from connecting with a good, grownup man who can make you happy. How do I know?
Because the #1 insight my coaching clients say they have after working with me is that they would have never picked their great guy if I hadn’t taught them how to look at men differently.
In other words, if I hadn’t taught them to reconsider their deal breakers and must-haves and give the good guys a chance, they would still be single or hooked up with the wrong guy.
Instead, they’re finally in love, in committed relationships, engaged, married, and happy. Really happy.
I want you to find that kind of happiness, too.
And look, I would never tell you to be with a man who doesn’t respect your physical boundaries, or is a player, or focuses on himself 24/7. In fact, I work hard to help my coaching clients spot these guys and get rid of them ASAP.
And though I want you to give all men a fair chance, I wouldn’t even tell you to keep seeing a guy who, after a couple dates, you couldn’t imagine touching… no matter how nice he is.
But there are things that are simply Men Acting Like Men and should not be judged harshly…things that are nothing to worry about.
This is why understanding good, grownup men—REALLY understanding them—is the key to finding love after 40.
That means the more likely you are to find Your One!Understand Grownup Men
Here are some common deal breakers that you can safely ignore, once you understand men:
I know that you want to spend your life with a smart man. You should! But are you like the hundreds of women I’ve talked to who say they won’t answer emails from men who have grammar or spelling errors on their profile?
My brother is a very brilliant, successful attorney. Since he was a kid couldn’t spell for sh*t. Some of the smartest, sexiest, most creative men in the world happen to have learning disorders and couldn’t have written an error-free profile to save their life. That includes Richard Branson, Steven Spielberg, Steve Jobs, Orlando Bloom and Robin Williams, just to name a few.
Most sites don’t offer spell check. So, when he uses the improper pronoun, ’their’ instead of ’there’ or has a small proportion of misspelled words… remember that. Read the content of the profile. See if you like what he’s saying, not necessarily how he’s spelling it. When you do, you’re far less likely to miss Your Special Person.
Men go on a site, pay their money, answer some questions and throw up some selfies. Boom! They’ve accomplished their task.
These are the same people who take 20 minutes to get ready to go out. They shower, grab a clean shirt and pants, slip on shoes, maybe slap on a little aftershave and they are good to go.
What do we do? We do our hair, our make-up, put together our outfit, change our purse, slather on hand cream, perfume, choose our jewelry, and THEN we are good to go. Women are simply more accustomed to gussying up and, frankly, it’s more important to us.
Is that good or fair? Probably not. Is it how it IS? Yep, it is. Accept it or stay single.
Remember that most people are not photogenic. Hey, I was less than impressed with my husband’s pictures when I saw his profile. But he said some good stuff that was important to me. I’m so happy I was open to meeting him!
So, please, when judging men online, be that open and kind woman you are with everyone else in your life.
(As a note, I give you a pass on those shirtless guys or ones posing by their awesome car. Ugh! This is how some men think they can impress a woman. Your smart, grownup man knows better.)
I know that you want to be impressed and courted. And you should be. But grownup men aren’t the same as the 30-year-olds that pursued you relentlessly. That means you might need to shift your expectations and your participation. That’s right: you now have some responsibility to get things rolling!
First, let’s talk about emailing when using online dating. Do you expect men to show clear interest and take the lead from the very first email? Do you sit back and expect them to always make the first contact? Then do you want them to send you attentive texts or emails, compliment you, and instantly express how excited they are to meet you?
It’s nice when that happens, and it does. But generally, know that he’s probably busy (with work and, yes, other women) PLUS he hasn’t even met you yet! Men feel connected after they meet you… very rarely before. (Meantime, we can fall in love with a profile before even meeting a guy.)
Most grownup men — especially the confident, accomplished men you want to date — no longer enjoy the chase as a hobby. Why?
For one thing, for every time you’ve been rejected, girlfriend, they’ve been rejected 100+ times. They are over that! Also, the woman-to-man ratio is now in their favor and they don’t have to compete like they did in their 20s. And their hormones have mellowed and they have broadened their vision of themselves; reducing the need to rack up sexual conquests.
Look, you don’t have to always take the lead, but you do have to show him you’re interested. Grownup men who have achieved success in life know how to get what they want. If they think you are uninterested or unattainable, they will move on. They won’t waste their time on something (or someone) they can’t win. Would you?
To summarize what works and what doesn’t with good, grownup men you want to meet and attract:
“The Rules” are out.
Making him chase you is out.
These types of tactics turn off the smart, commitment-minded men you are trying to meet. These men are not into playing games or climbing your walls. They just want to meet a nice woman, have an easy time getting to know her, and eventually meet a partner to share the rest of a wonderful, love-filled life. (Just like you, right?)
And, btw, when he decides that you are the woman he wants to get to know and be with, it is true that he will move freaking mountains for you.
Isn’t that what really counts, anyway?
There are so many grownup, single men out there who are decent and wonderful and interesting and fun and sexy… and they blossom when they are with a kind, compassionate, smart woman like YOU.
By taking the time to understand them and kindly overlook things that are not necessarily deal-breakers… just men being grownup men… you will vastly increase your opportunity for love.
You will begin to discover men who could be “diamonds in the rough.” These could be the guys other women overlook in their quest to be “wowed” or who are harshly judged by women who have completely unrealistic expectations.
That’s why, if you’re a woman over 40 and dating online, you MUST take the time to understand grownup men. If you don’t, you’re likely to feel disillusioned and burned out.
You may overlook dozens of men with great potential, or go out on crappy dates or none at all. And you’ll think that online dating simply isn’t for you.
As a dating coach, I’ve helped thousands of women in the last 10 years find love online by teaching them the skills and secrets of using technology to attract the right man—including how to stay true to their values while gaining control of their dating life.
I’ve also shown women how to select smart, relationship-minded men without compromising their values or safety.
But since I can’t possibly work with every individual who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
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