You want to find your perfect partner, sure… but does the thought of searching for him online make you feel nervous, anxious, even a little creeped out?
Well, you’re not alone. Especially if you’re a woman over 40.
I specialize in coaching mature women how to find love online, and I’ve listened to literally hundreds of clients tell me that while they’d like to meet a man to share their life, they wish they didn’t have to suffer through using online dating to do it.
Do you also feel that way? Is there something about online dating that makes you feel as if you’re somehow not in control? Like you’re at the mercy of the men?
I get it. When using online dating some things can happen that make you feel “less-than,” completely exhausted, and even hopeless… For example:
Your inbox is consistently empty.
You’re being bombarded with contacts from couch potatoes, scammers, or men looking for a nurse, a purse, or a playmate.
You write messages to men who seem so perfect for you but they never write back, or they come back with a “thanks, but no thanks.”
You’ve fine-tuned your profile multiple times but are still only attracting men whose profiles make you cringe.
All of these things make you think that if this is the only way to meet men, you’d rather stay single.
Do you relate?
Then keep reading, because in this article, I’m going to give you 3 quick tips on how to gain more control with your online dating experience and become more magnetic to the right men, while gently telling the wrong ones to move on.
Sometimes, it seems that online dating is a powerful tool that works…
for everyone else BUT you.
You hear about these couples who met online all the time. They have cute anecdotes about their online love story. Some of them knew instantly when they met that they’d found The One.
You, on the other hand, can’t seem to get any traction with online dating to save your life. Not to mention that the longer you’re online the worse you feel about yourself.
You don’t like getting rejected, hearing “NO”, or wasting time responding to icky men.
When things like this happen, you feel like you have two choices:
1. Put up with it and continue to feel frustrated.
2. Give up.
You think about giving up because it’s just too uncomfortable, too hard, too demoralizing.
I get it. I’ve been there. But I learned you have another, much better option.
Here are 3 tips that will help you feel more in control of your online dating experience. Follow these and you will attract more of the right men and keep your self-esteem intact:
If you want to be noticed and rise to the top online, it pays to spend some time creating the best possible profile and keeping it polished and shiny. You want to present yourself in a way that catches his interest right away because if it doesn’t, or if he runs into a phrase that rubs him the wrong way… it only takes a single click for him to move on.
And an added plus of a great profile: while you’re attracting the right guys, you can be sending away the wrong ones. Perfect!
Most women make a lot of mistakes in their profiles. They make the big mistake of trying to tell their entire life story. They hope to describe themselves by filling it with a list of meaningless adjectives, or make it like a shopping list of the man they want to meet. Women are also notorious for trying to hide in their photos, which means they aren’t telling the whole story about who they are. (That’s how you attract the right men!)
If you want to be more in control of your online dating experience, learn how to write a great profile and don’t assume it’s “good enough” because you like it or your girlfriends like it. What your friends like doesn’t matter. What matters is what the MEN you want to attract like.
Which leads me to tip #2…
As a woman who wants—and deserves—to attract interesting, romance-minded, mature men, your profile and your conversations need to communicate more than the usual minutia. You need to tell him something significant that makes you stand out as someone worth investing some time with.
Mature men who are looking for more than friends with benefits or an activity partner really DO want to know something real about you—more than a list of what you do. You want to communicate some meaningful particulars… and you’re going to get the very best results when you do so in a clear, authentic, and engaging way—to men.
Men respond and are attracted to different styles of communication than women do, especially when they are online looking for love.
My husband explains it this way: Women talk in stories. Men want to listen in headlines.
When you can understand and apply this concept to your profile, your messages, and your emails, you’ll be astounded at how much easier it is to get responses from the good men you want to meet. And at that point, you’ll need tip #3…
You don’t want to wait around for men to always make the first move. I’m not just talking about waiting for men to find your profile and message you, I’m also referring to waiting for a man to take things to the next level.
You want him to call you on the phone and/or ask you out on a date, right? The last thing you want to do is maintain some weeks-long pen-pal friendship with the guys you connect with online. That’s such a waste of time!
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that making the first move means you’re chasing after a man. It just means that you are making it easier for him to make his move.
You may be wondering why you have to do this. If they are grownups, why don’t they step up and pursue you if interested?
Because older, confident, accomplished men don’t chase, not like men in their 20s. The challenge of the chase and risk of rejection just doesn’t turn them on the way it used to.
It's not that men won't make the first move. They usually do. But if you see a man you'd like to meet and he hasn't yet found you… why wait! And if you want to meet him and he’s dragging his feet, make it a “no brainer” for him to ask you out.
But you need to do it right… There are very particular ways to do this in a way that isn’t pushy.
Let’s say, for example, he sends you a message that he likes what he sees in your profile and gives you his number, inviting you to call him. You don’t want to be the one calling him, at least at the very beginning. It makes you uncomfortable and you do want some sense he takes this seriously to make some effort.
You might respond this way:
“Bob, I’m glad you got in touch. Just this time, I’d like you to give me a call. I hope that works for you because I’d really like to get to know you better.”
This isn’t pushy. It’s kind, and it works to get things rolling in the right direction. And, hey, if he chooses not to call, no biggy. There are tons more men out there. Next!
This is a perfect example of taking control. It makes you feel like, “I’ve got this!” (Because you do!)
You may still be reading all of this and thinking, “I think I’m doing everything right, and I’m still not having any luck with online dating. Maybe it’s just not for me.”
I understand that you feel like you’re doing everything right, but in reality it’s highly likely that you aren’t. And it’s making you feel miserable and causing you to give up too soon.
How do I know? Because I have more than a decade of experience working with women who thought they were doing everything right, and it turned out they were making some key mistakes all along. It’s not that something is wrong with them or they are at fault, it’s just that no one ever taught them how to use this amazingly powerful technology to meet men!
Once the women I’ve coached learned how to upgrade their profile to appeal more to men, how to get responses by communicating with their “man-hat” on, and how to handle the other challenges and pitfalls (like rejection), they were able to have fun with online dating.
And meet their ONE.
But since I can’t possibly work with every individual who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
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