When you have a problem with your man, do you find it hard to start the conversation? And then once you start it, you can’t stop talking—because by then you’ve gotten all worked up about things and it all comes flying out?
Maybe you don’t say anything for a while because you assume that if you’re perceiving this, he must be, too. Or you make assumptions about what it all MEANS:
We haven’t been connecting very well these last few weeks. He must be mad at me about something, but I don’t know what.
I’ve been so busy and yet I’m doing everything around the house this week. He’s just being passive-aggressive toward me by not offering to help with the chores.
I can’t believe he didn’t say anything when I told him how my boss was being a jerk. He must side with my boss!
By the time you DO speak up, you’re so angry or hurt by all the things you’ve imagined he’s thinking, that the words stream out of your mouth like out of a firehose.
Meanwhile, he’s bewildered. Where is this all coming from?
You might think he’s clueless. Or not paying attention. Or worse, being intentionally inconsiderate toward you. But the truth is, he probably didn’t even know what was going on!
This is because men’s and women’s brains are different. Women think and feel at the same time effortlessly, but for most men they’re separate processes (in case you haven’t noticed). He’s just not as IN TUNE as you are, especially if you’re a soulfully sensitive woman.
In this email, I’m going to offer you some powerful communication tips that will stop this disconnect and allow you to be heard and understood, without clamming up or saying too much.
Soon, you’ll be whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears again, instead of blurting insults or shutting down.
Whether you’re a VERY soulfully sensitive woman, or just a wee bit sensitive sometimes, you probably have experienced your share of misunderstandings and hurt feelings because of what was said or NOT said in a relationship.
We ALL have. It’s just part of the human condition, to struggle in the way we communicate with each other.
You’re thinking something but he’s thinking something else entirely…
It’s amazing we’re ever on the same page at all!
There are things you can do to reduce the amount of suffering you experience over this, however, and you can remember them easily by bringing to mind these three characters:
(You’ll see in a minute what I mean.)
The Banshee, the Bambi, and the Buddha have something to teach you about how to speak up, state your truth, and be totally groovy with it all, man…
A Banshee communicates by being bitchy, pushy, or coming out of nowhere and exploding. Banshees also use dramatic language. Everything isn’t just challenging, it’s a DISASTER. He didn’t just forget to put the dishes away, he NEVER helps around the house. This isn’t just uncomfortable, you CAN’T HANDLE IT.
This isn’t a good way to communicate. Why? Because whatever energy and tone you bring to the conversation, the other person will often respond in kind. It turns a discussion into a fight.
The solution to this is to first, avoid using global terms such as, “always” and “never.” Next, be mindful of the words you use to describe things, and how you say them (attitude is king!). Lastly, give him a chance to respond after you speak for a minute, and let him know that his point of view matters.
When you do this, he’s much more likely to feel calm, open and thoughtful, instead of defensive or aggressive.
Remember Bambi? Such a meek and gentle creature. Which is fine for a Disney movie, but you don’t want to be a Bambi when it comes to communicating with the most important person in your life! It’s much too passive.
Here’s how to know you’re being a Bambi…
You’ll say you’re “fine” when you’re anything but. You’ll go along with what a man wants when you’re SCREAMING on the inside because it’s NOT what you want (like when he wants to take you to a NASCAR race and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes than be in that smelly, loud place for hours). You “make nice” and make excuses when he lets your down or decide to “let it go” but you’re stewing inside.
Sensing something is wrong, he’ll ask if everything’s ok and again you’ll grit your teeth and say, “I’m fine.”
But your body language and attitude is anything BUT fine. And he can tell!
Tell him what’s on your mind. No, in fact, you’re not fine. You’d prefer to do something else or be somewhere else. You’d like him to consider your feelings more.
He’ll get it. But you have to speak up, first.
But Carol, you might be thinking, the reason I don’t say anything at first is because I believe that if I don’t have anything constructive to say, I shouldn’t say anything.
Besides, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
And anyway, I didn’t think it was that important. At first.
And then I just couldn’t take it anymore, and it all just came pouring out.
Yep. I get it.
I know this is a challenge, and it’s a challenge for MOST people. That’s why the last secret is just so darned powerful…
I have to admit that before I learned this last secret, I was guilty of being a Banshee and a Bambi too often in my life. (Yup, I’ve been both!) But since I’ve been following the last principle, my relationship with my friends and my husband has changed soooo much for the better!
The Buddha had some amazing things to say about communication. He’s rumored to have said something that’s actually found in a book from the 1920s by the Quakers, but it sounds a lot like what the Buddha said, so it’s attributed to him. It’s this:
and I propose a fourth gate: Will it get you what you want?
Don’t worry, I don’t think I’m smarter or more evolved than the Buddha. (Though I bet I know more about dating! ;))
When your words pass through these four gates FIRST, you’ll be amazed at how much better he’ll listen and acknowledge your feelings. You’ll eliminate all that unnecessary tension and you’ll feel closer. What more could you ask for?
I’ve been coaching my clients to use these principles whenever they feel stuck or are uncomfortable expressing their needs and desires—to anyone, not just their significant other.
It’s been a revelation for them, too.
These 3 communication secrets are even more vital for someone who is highly sensitive, or what I call soulfully sensitive. Because you feel things more intensely than others, you’re not just annoyed when things go wrong between you and a man, you’re HURT. You’re not just a little peeved, you’re FURIOUS.
Because your feelings are bigger, you may have learned to hide or stuff them down (Bambi) or let ’em rip (Banshee). These two ways of communicating may have caused you either too much inner or outer conflict in your life.
In other words, as a soulfully sensitive woman, you either don’t express yourself, or you OVER- express yourself.
In my video program, Love and The Soulfully Sensitive Woman, you’ll learn all about the 5 issues that weaken communication MOST for soulfully sensitive women.
You’ll also learn the importance of TIMING when it comes to talking to your man. When is it a good time? When is it more hurtful than helpful to have an important talk with him?
And then, starting on page 32 of the accompanying workbook, you’ll get NEXT STEPS for being more like the Buddha in your communication, including how to give a man feedback, how to make him feel good and get what you want at the same time, and the differences between how men and women communicate in general.
Seriously, you’ll get Jedi-level stuff you haven’t even heard of before…
Plus, you’ll get a ton more information on how to make the most of your soulfully sensitive nature, so you can love yourself and have him adore you for it, too.Get ALL the Communication Secrets Here
I know you’re going to get a lot out of this program. It’s going to change the way you relate to everyone in your life, and they’ll love you for it!
P.S. Did you know that a man will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about him on the first or second date (including his biggest flaws!), IF you know how to ask? That’s right! You’ll find out this life and love-saving trick in my Love and The Soulfully Sensitive Woman video and workbook program (fast-track to page 31-32 for the answer).Start Reading and Watching Now