Were things going “great” with your guy…until you spoke up about something that mattered to you?
I put “great” in quotes, because, if you’re honest with yourself, things didn’t feel all that hot for you sometimes.
Maybe he stopped asking you about your day.
Maybe he pulled back his affection or attention.
Maybe he wasn’t doing all the “little things” he used to.
Maybe he wasn’t moving the relationship forward.
You tried to let whatever it was slide, and pretend it didn’t bother you. You thought he’d come around. But it wasn’t happening, so you did it.
You TALKED with him about it.
You told him what you were feeling, and you were hoping it would bring you closer. You hoped he would go, “Oh, you’re right! I can see how I’ve been insensitive. Let me fix that.”
But he didn’t do that.
Instead, he left. Maybe he left right away, or it was a drawn out, torturous process. Either way…
You’ve analyzed your relationship and taken a mental inventory of everything you could have possibly done to have caused the break.
You weren’t feeling good in the relationship, but now you’re feeling even worse. If you could only take back what you said!
Why couldn’t you be more laid back and have a little more patience with him?
Or maybe if you had worded things differently, then he would have been different.
You don’t know what you can learn from this experience.
You don’t trust that you won’t make the same exact mistakes again.
Most of all, you want to make sure you didn’t blow it with the guy who is meant for you.
Does that sound about right?
This stuff can make you even sadder and crazier than you already were. Which is why, right now, I want to take away all of that confusion forever.
Did you drive him away?
Is it possible that you can stand to improve your communication? Of course.
Anxious people often vacillate between feeling like a doormat/silently seething and blowing up with “protest behavior” at a man’s minor transgression. I can’t tell you whether you did that.
What I can tell you—and, frankly, what any objective third party can tell you—is that your boyfriend failed the most basic of boyfriend tests:
He dismissed your emotional requests.
Per relationship expert John Gottman, such requests are called “bids,” and couples that “turn towards” their partners’ bids have much stronger relationships. Your boyfriend turned away from your bid when you spoke up about what you needed.
Why would you waste time with a man who doesn’t show you affection or attention?
Why would you waste time with a man who never does the “little things”?
Why would you waste time with a man who doesn’t ask how YOU’RE doing?
Why would you waste time with a man who never compliments you?
Why would you waste time with a man who rarely touches you or makes you feel hot?
Why would you waste time with a man who lives in his own adjacent world?
And, most importantly, given that he doesn’t do any of the things that you want from a long-term partner, that you DESERVE from a long-term partner…
WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM?
You’re not alone thinking this way, but, for the life of me, I don’t understand this phenomenon of “My boyfriend is totally indifferent towards me; how can I lock him in for the rest of my life?”
Your ex-boyfriend—for whatever his charms—was selfish, insensitive, and tone-deaf to your needs. That’s his personality. He will be that way with his next girlfriend and with his eventual wife as well.
But we can’t fix him. We can only work on you.
And the real problem here is that you think what happened was all your fault when he wasn’t carrying his weight in the relationship.
I had a client who had been with her live-in boyfriend for 3 ½ years. He proposed and “unproposed” to her because she was too bossy.
So then she was on probation to try to win back the ring that she lost. If that’s not enough, I asked her what percentage of her relationship was good. She said about 50%.
Can you see the willful blindness of this situation?
She was fighting hard to preserve an unhappy union with a man who really didn’t want to get married, who didn’t think she was a good partner, who had all the power in the relationship.
Low self-esteem? Loneliness? Fear? Sunk costs?
To me, it’s like you were leasing a car for three years that stalled half of the time…and trying to negotiate a deal to own that car for life.
You might understand the concept of “actions speak louder than words,” but until you start living your life by that rule and making sure there are consequences towards his coldness towards you, you’re hurtling towards a lifetime of unhappiness.
Look, I’m being tough on you because it pains me when I see a woman completely blind to what a healthy relationship should look and feel like.
You SHOULD be able to speak up to the person who loves you the most without fear that he’s going to take a hike.
You SHOULD expect that if something doesn’t feel good to you, that when you tell your boyfriend about it, he’s going to be concerned and want to make it right.
Because, frankly, that’s what your future husband should do, too.
Yet somehow many women believe that, magically, a dismissive, inattentive boyfriend will morph into a devoted, doting husband.
It just doesn’t work this way.
That’s why it’s imperative that you get this stuff right while you’re dating. Once you do, you’ll no longer feel at the mercy of what a man does or doesn’t do—you’ll feel more in control, and you’ll realize how much power you have to shape your love life into what you want it to be.
This is what my eBook, Date Without Heartbreak: 10 Incredibly Common Mistakes That Keep Great Women Single, is all about.
You’re going to learn the classic mistakes that truly do drive good guys away, so that you can finally stop wasting precious time with men who will never marry you or be good husbands to you.
Yes, there are effective and ineffective ways to communicate your feelings and needs, and I’m going to teach you how to do that.
There are also pretty clear-cut signs that will clue you in to whether a guy can be trusted to stick it out for the long-haul with you, and I’ll let you know about those, too.
There’s also certain behavior you may be taking personally that has nothing to do with you, and if you let it slide you’ll be able to find out if he does have what it takes to be your man for life:The Real Test Of A Man’s Commitment
When you’ve read my book, you will never again wonder what you did wrong to drive a man away. To the contrary, you’ll feel more confident than you’ve ever been before, and know when it’s time to cut off the guy who fails to make you happy.
P.S. Your future husband will stick by you no matter what.
This means that, by definition, the guy who left was categorically NOT the one. So, let’s take all the time and energy you’re fruitlessly expending on thinking about your ex, and channel it into learning how to spot the man who will be with you for life:How To Tell If He’s Worth It