Remember your last dead-end relationship, or the last date you had that didn’t turn out the way you had hoped?
If you and I were sitting over a cup of coffee somewhere, what would you tell me about that?
Would you say things like:
Oh, that was such a NIGHTMARE.
By the end of the date, I was DYING.
He was such a LOSER, I can’t believe I went out with him.
Oh, and that last relationship? I was DEVASTATED when he broke up with me. I thought for sure he was the LOVE OF MY LIFE.
Or would you simply tell me the basic facts about what happened, shrug your shoulders, and add, “Meh, stuff happens. Life goes on…”
If you’re a soulfully sensitive woman (like all of my favorite women), I would be willing to bet that you’d be more inclined to the former. Because the soulfully sensitive have a gift of being very creative and, ahem, overly dramatic.
And while this creativity and colorful conversation can have many advantages—like making you exciting to be around—it can also wreak havoc on your love life.
Ok, so maybe you’re a bit colorful or dramatic sometimes.
To be fair, I did ask you to imagine your last bad relationship or date, so it’s no surprise that you put your attention on some of the more negative memories.
However, it’s a fact of human psychology that we humans tend to do that anyway. That’s because we have what social scientists call a “negativity bias.”
This means that we all latch onto the blooper outtakes more than the highlight reels of our lives.
You miss a leg of your flight and spend 6 hours waiting at the airport. This casts a negative shadow on the entire 7 days of your vacation—not that you didn’t have a wonderful time, but you tell the story of the airline snafu more than you talk about what happened the rest of the time.
Or, you go on a job interview and you rock it except for that oddball comment the interviewer makes at the end, which strikes you as condescending and critical. You want to have confidence that you’ll get the offer, but you can’t stop thinking about that jerk and his dumb remark. By the time you get the call, you’re ready to turn down the job.
We do this as humans because way back in our hunter-gatherer days it was advantageous to our survival to remember incidents that were dangerous, scary, or traumatic so we’d be sure to avoid them in the future and, you know—NOT DIE. (This is the most important thing to the part of your brain we could call the “cave woman brain”—survival!) If the last time we walked through the tall grass we were stalked by a predator, we remember it intensely so the next time we see tall grass we know we’d better take a different route the next time we go foraging.
This was a very important, healthy part of humans—when we were living ON THE TUNDRA. But in modern life it can make us a tad neurotic. (And men LOVE that in a woman, am I right? ;))
Highly sensitive people are even MORE prone to this negativity bias business…
If you’re soulfully sensitive and experience something that is disappointing or inconvenient, you feel it more than your less sensitive sisters, so will dial the negative aspects up a notch (or twelve) in your mind.
So it’s not just disappointing, it’s devastating.
It’s not just inconvenient, it’s a disaster.
And that last boyfriend? He wasn’t just unsure of what he wanted, he was a loser and a narcissist with zero consideration for your feelings and time.
Here’s the thing, though: these intense words you’re saying and stories you’re telling yourself and others matter.
They’re making dating and relationships more difficult than they already are, altering and shaping your beliefs and expectations—about yourself, about men, and about your ability to attract true love.
And it doesn’t always serve you to get carried away with hyperbole. Though believe me, I get the allure! (I’m a writer, after all. Drama makes for great storytelling…;))
Maybe you’ve never given your WORDS a lot of thought before now. Maybe you just like to “tell it like it is.”
And since you FEEL more, you like your words to match your level of emotion.
But what if the words you’re using—sometimes exaggerated and amplified to reflect your underlying emotions—are causing you to remember the past in a much more negative light than it really was?
Be brutally honest with yourself: your last date wasn’t really a nightmare, was it? Maybe it was just awkward and a bit of a letdown.
Your last relationship wasn’t a soul-sucking waste of your time…it was just disappointing and you wish you’d gotten out sooner.
And internet dating isn’t a “sheer nightmarish parade of losers, jerks, and liars”—it’s just exhausting and overwhelming so makes you want to give up. (On second thought, even highly INSENSITIVE women tell me internet dating is a parade of “losers, jerks, and liars,” so this isn’t a great example. ;))
You get the idea…
But if you keep telling yourself such damaging things, your subconscious mind will begin to believe it, and it will cause you to be more protective of your heart in the future and more hesitant and fearful even when things are good.
You’ll start to notice that you’re more anxious about saying “yes” to a date.
You may even start to dread dating in general, because it doesn’t seem worth the emotional stress.
You readily recall all the “bad” things that have happened in the past, and conveniently dismiss or forget the good things—like when that one guy made you laugh or was kind and caring when you were having a difficult day.
(And you can have “positivity bias,” too—so when those things happen you have to be careful of giving him TOO much credit and thinking they’re BETTER, or more of a big deal than they actually are.)
Or you remain stuck in a relationship that isn’t working because you’re afraid to let go, because you can’t forget AAAAAALL those horrible moments of being single and hating it.
In this way, the overly negative or dramatic words you use keep you from realizing true happiness in your love life.
They’re setting up limiting beliefs, such as:
Men don’t understand me.
Love is difficult and painful.
Dating doesn’t work for me.
I’m never going to find someone I want who wants me, too.
And that’s just not true!
But as long as you keep telling yourself those harsh, demoralizing words and believing them, you’ll be creating a reality for yourself that isn’t in line with what your heart really wants.
Your creativity, your dramatic flair, and your deep, rich inner life are some of your best traits as a soulfully sensitive woman.
People probably describe you as fun and fascinating, thoughtful and deep, and a joy to be around.
But you may have to be more careful and intentional when it comes to your negativity bias and the words you use when it comes to your love life.
You can literally talk yourself out of a relationship that could have been right for you, just because a guy did or said something that didn’t sit right with you.
After so many of these bad dates and terrible break-ups, you may even decide that true love isn’t in the cards for you, or that God or “The Universe” doesn’t love you and is therefore “singling you out” to be alone. (Get it? “Singling?” Pun intended…)
It’s impossible to remain optimistic and open-minded about love in the face of that kind of mindset!
That’s why you need help softening your negativity bias and becoming more mindful of your soulfully sensitive nature so you can use it to your advantage in love, instead of to your detriment.
In part 1 of my video program, Love and The Soulfully Sensitive Woman, you’ll learn all about how your sensitivity can either be an asset to your love life or a liability—depending on what you tell yourself, how you respond, and what you do with your gifts and natural tendencies.
In the program, you’ll learn how to be yourself and attract more positive, like-minded people (and lovers!) into your life.
In part 6, I reveal a surprising way to change your self-talk by asking others about THEIR love lives.
You’ll get tips on what to say to yourself, how something as simple as your posture affects your mood, and how to use certain physical activities to boost your self-esteem.
You’ll hear how specific self-care can dramatically increase your confidence and why you should do these things on a regular basis (for reals!).
Once you learn the secrets behind tweaking your words and self-talk, and implement more effective ways of using both, you’ll start to believe that you CAN manifest good things with a man.
Love IS possible for you and there are great men out there if you know where to look and how to interact with them effectively while honoring your real self. (I’ll teach you about that, too!)
You’ll stop believing that men don’t understand or appreciate you, and you’ll learn to appreciate yourself and your deep, spiritual, creative, soulful nature.
Watch it here:Start Watching
So yes, words matter. What you tell yourself shapes what you believe. What you believe creates your reality.
Let me show you how to use all of this to your benefit in love.
All you need is a specific strategy that honors your unique, soulfully-sensitive nature in a way that works. I can’t wait to share all of this love-inducing wisdom with you.
P.S. Today’s “hook-up” culture is especially HARD for the soulfully sensitive woman, because you bond so fully and quickly—you like to go deep with relationships and you long for a serious intimate connection. Who enjoys being treated so casually, or ghosted when things don’t work out? Not you! (Does anyone??)
That’s why in my program, Love and The Soulfully Sensitive Woman, I’ll show you how to navigate modern dating with tips and strategies that will keep you in control, inspired and excited to meet and fall in love with the man of your dreams, but open and vulnerable enough to make that same man fall in love with YOU.
You really can do all of that…Here’s How