“How do I know if I don’t really love myself?”
As the HeartShift coach, I hear this question all the time.
Maybe you’re wondering about this, too.
Many successful, intelligent people do.
You see, wonderful men and women like you often do a fantastic job of creating the image of self love:
They go to the gym or hire a personal trainer.
They’re pretty confident in their innate talents and what they contribute at work.
They consider themselves to be loyal friends, dedicated parents, and “good” partners.
They generally “like themselves”—their qualities, their attributes, and what they’re putting out in the world.
And yet there’s this nagging feeling: “Do I really love myself?”
A simple answer is that if you have to ask the question, you already have the answer—that you probably don’t love yourself completely.
One of the hallmarks of a lack of self love is that you don’t trust yourself, your own intuition, your own compass.
When you don’t have real self love, you look to other people for answers.
While there’s nothing wrong with asking for advice, and you get the benefit of different perspectives, something interesting happens for you when you don’t have self love:
When you are faced with a decision—small or large—you “freeze.” You mull it over for a little longer than is probably necessary. You consider your options but you still can’t decide. You feel a surge of anxiety about what the right course of action is.
People tell you to listen to your gut, but you don’t know how to do that. You don’t know if the fearful feeling you’re experiencing is a sign that you shouldn’t make a certain decision—or if it’s just merely a hump you have to get over.
And you feel this way because you don’t trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. This is when you turn to other people to give you the answers only you could possibly have.
In essence, you are putting other people on a pedestal, assuming they know better about what’s right for you than you do.
You think people are better than you and that you’re inferior, which leads you to engage in another behavior that’s another bright, neon sign that you don’t love yourself:
If you think other people are better than you, guess what that leads to?
You barely show up in relationships. Your default position is to minimize your voice. You want to be as low-maintenance and agreeable as possible, so you abdicate yourself and hand over control to someone else.
This is exactly why people with lack of self love become the perfect candidates for dysfunctional relationships. You don’t think you can attract better, so you settle for something that doesn’t feel good.
Since you think you’re inferior to your partner, you make yourself very small. You go along with what your partner wants even if it doesn’t feel right to you. You don’t want to have a fight, and you don’t want them to think you’re selfish.
And since you’re deeply afraid of not being good enough to love, you work very hard to make sure your partner stays. You twist yourself into whatever persona you think your partner needs and wants.
You do, do, do everything to keep the relationship afloat and to make your partner happy. In fact, if it weren’t for you, everything would probably fall apart.
Lack of self love has a fairly predictable path.
You will shrink yourself so much and conform to what someone else wants you to be—to such a degree that you wake up one day and have no idea who you really are.
At this point, you’ve devolved into a full-blown depression without a clear direction in life.
Many clients find me at this critical point, and I’m so grateful. Because I know just where they are. Throughout my marriage, I had gradually but surely succumbed to the image my ex-husband wanted me to be. I built my life around his, placing my desires and my gifts on the back burner. With four children, a vacation home, and a closely cultivated social circle, I kept being who I thought I needed to be.
Once I really came to terms with this and realized that I needed to claim this one and only life I had, it took me much trial and error to release the real me that had been trapped inside.
But I did it, piece by piece, through finding Self Love.
The wonderful thing is that I didn’t need to “get it all right” right away to start experiencing the magic of Self Love. As soon as I made the decision to stop shrinking and start loving myself—as soon as I took the bold leap of TRUSTING myself—I received one breakthrough after another.
And within a relatively short space of time, I rediscovered myself, embarked on my new career, and found the kind of love I had previously thought was reserved for other people.
When you have Self Love, you’re a loyal friend not because you say “yes” to every social invitation or agree with your friend on everything.
You’re a loyal friend because you always tell your truth, only agree to the social events that you’re excited about and because you’re there for your friend, no matter if you agree with her or not.
If you’re a good wife or husband, it’s because you inspire your partner to be a better person around you, because you don’t put up with bad behavior or neglect.
You set boundaries and you demand equality in the relationship, so being a “good” partner doesn’t mean being a doormat or doing more than your fair share. You don’t always agree with your partner, and that is what he or she loves most about you. They can always count on your gentle honesty.
You’re a dedicated father or mother, but you don’t let your children run you ragged or boss you around. Your children know who’s in charge but they feel safe in your loving, compassionate arms.
You’d never let anyone hurt your child, but you won’t hurt them by indulging them at every turn, either.
And when you have self love, you possess the most attractive quality on the planet—you exude a natural confidence that naturally draws to you people who also have a healthy amount of self love.
And when you meet, you create a relationship out of desire—not need—the kind of relationship where you are loved for being exactly you.
When you say yes to my program Self Love For True Love, you are immediately saying yes…to YOU!
This program teaches you the same process I used to discover myself through Self Love—one step at a time. You’ll learn how to get in touch with the real you—the person you’ve forgotten for so long.
This means you’ll unearth the desires that have been hidden in your heart—waiting for the moment of self trust, self love, and therefore self truth.
When you know yourself, it’s easier to say “no” to the things you don’t like. It’s much easier to turn down opportunities that don’t speak to you and you’re not racked with guilt every time you have to disagree with your partner, your co-workers, your boss or your best friend.
The people in your life feel more at ease around you because they sense you are not pretending or going along just to avoid conflict.
Finally, you’ll have a clear roadmap of who you want to be, and you’ll discover the enormous worth you already possess—making you the ultimate sage and authority on what should happen in your life.
Through targeted questionnaires and exercises, you’ll learn how to be your own best coach and decision maker, and you’ll feel confident about speaking up for yourself.
No longer afraid of being left by a partner, you will start to let go of people and situations that aren’t good for you—and throw open the door of possibility for your true, lifetime partner to find you:A Proven Path To Your Greatness
Self Love For True Love brings you into the full expansiveness of you. No more playing small, doubting yourself, or handing over your power to other people.
P.S. Helping people trust themselves and discover their innate authority is one of my favorite things to do. Here’s what one client had to say after going through the process in Self Love For True Love:
“I am more in touch with my own wisdom. I don’t feel the need to reach out to others to constantly provide me feedback on what I should and should not do, or what decisions I need to make. I am a lot less scared about getting hurt. I trust my own ability to be my guide and I have a lot more love for myself. I am able to make decisions out of love instead of fear.”Stop Doubting Yourself