Why is it that when you’re first falling in love, it’s practically impossible to foresee the problems that will plague you in your relationship later?
When you met your partner, they seemed so right for you. Maybe not perfect, but it sure felt perfect sometimes.
He or she was a great listener. You could tell them almost anything, and they’d hang on your every word, and actually seemed interested in what you shared.
They liked doing novel and fun things with you—going dancing downtown, or staying up all night to watch a meteor shower, or traveling to off-the-beaten path places. You felt so alive when you were together!
They were so adoring of you, and it made you feel secure and safe.
But over time, certain issues started cropping up. It’s as if your partner had changed.
Or you changed.
Or perhaps both of you settled in, and certain “incompatibilities” became more apparent in your relationship.
You don’t believe in gender roles, but your partner seems to think it’s your “job” to do certain things around the house. And you resent that!
You think your partner is a poor communicator. You’re often arguing about whether or not they got your input ahead of time on a decision that affects you, too.
They’re stubborn and inconsiderate. How many times have you told them you don’t appreciate something they’re doing, and they keep doing it?
They are stingy with money, and you feel like your spending habits are scrutinized at every turn, which makes you feel like a child.
They aren’t as responsible as you wish they were, with things like money or work. You’re always worried you won’t be able to pay the bills because you’re not financially stable.
You’ve tried talking with them about it. But it doesn’t seem to help for long. They make an effort at first, then “amnesia” seems to set in.
They go right back to their same old habits!
You’ve tried to “own” your part in things, but really, in your mind, it’s THEIR issue.
You’ve read books, talked to friends, and maybe even sought counseling for the problems that only seem to get worse and worse and worse.
Nothing works to alleviate the problems you’re experiencing as a couple. And now...
You don’t feel heard.
You don’t feel appreciated.
You don’t feel loved.
And you don’t feel like you’re in a real partnership, either. You just feel alone.
There’s something fundamentally wrong with your relationship, but what?
Is it that your partner never really was the right person for you?
Have the stresses of your life together finally caught up with you, and your love just can’t survive the challenges you’ve had to face together?
Is it just bad timing? You were ready for a committed, lifelong relationship, but your partner apparently wasn’t?
Or is it that you’ve had your “honeymoon period,” but now that’s over, and you’re now starting to see the “real” person because you’re no longer infatuated with them?
You may wonder why you chose your partner over any other person. Maybe it’s your childhood issues that made this person irresistible, even though they were all wrong for you.
Or maybe you just weren’t thinking straight when you decided to commit to this relationship.
I can see how you might come to any of the above conclusions if you’re not happy in your marriage or relationship right now.
But what if I told you that based on my 40+ years of clinical experience as a couple’s counselor and therapist, most likely, none of those reasons are correct?
Back when I was actively counseling couples in my private practice, I heard just about every complaint you can imagine from all sorts of couples: older couples, younger couples, same-sex couples, couples who had been together for decades.
Usually the person who initiated the appointment would want me to validate the idea that their partner was the one in the wrong: Because they weren’t romantic enough, considerate enough, responsible enough, communicative enough.
So often, one partner would want me to take their side and help me talk the other partner out of their “wrong” behavior.
Or maybe things had gotten so bad between them, they wanted me to tell them they were right in thinking they should just end the relationship, because it was hopeless, and they were incompatible.
But I didn’t do either of those things.
That’s because I KNEW after speaking with them about their problems, that what they thought was their problem wasn’t the REAL problem.
They had been focused on the smaller problems that they failed to see the much bigger, broader issue in their relationship.
They kept going around in circles about:
Whatever the specifics of their “problem,” what I saw was a fundamental flaw in their “operating system” as a couple.
In other words, it’s the way they were relating with each other that was causing all the little arguments, disagreements and resentments to repeat.
Extensive research and my clinical experience informed me of this little-known fact:
It’s not the problems that cause relationships to fail, but the way couples go about trying to fix those problems. That’s because focusing on the problem doesn’t fix the way the relationship operates—or the way you relate to each other—and therefore, problems persist, contempt builds, and ultimately things fall apart.
That’s not to say your problems can’t be solved.
On the contrary, they can be addressed and resolved, but not the usual way that couples were going about it.
These tactics don’t work.
That’s because it’s not about solving the smaller problems, it’s about addressing the flaw in how you and your partner behave, how you organize your relationship, and the underlying assumptions you make about how a relationship should function.
Once you recognize and address the underlying operating system in the correct way, all your repeating, annoying, seemingly impossible problems will cease to be troublesome.
It may seem complicated and beyond your grasp, but it isn’t.
The answers are a lot simpler than you imagine, and certainly less frustrating than dealing with the same problems over and over.
And I can show you exactly how to do it.
You’re not doomed to spend the rest of your life with a partner that can’t make you happy, just because you have problems that never get better.
That’s because there’s a way to get a brand-new perspective on what your problems are, and take steps to transform your relationship.
Once you and your partner get that perspective, your entire marriage shifts in a positive direction.
You begin to work together toward common goals, you stopped bickering over the small stuff, and you made choices that are in alignment with the greater vision for their marriage.
My eBook, 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of, will show you how.
First, it reveals the 5 flaws—or forces—that are at the heart of all your conflicts, problems and disappointment with your partner.
You’ll understand why you’ve been going around in circles with your partner, and why what you’ve tried in the past hasn’t worked to solve your problems. You’ll learn which problems are associated with which broken “system,” so you know exactly what your weaknesses and strengths are in your marriage.
Next, once you’ve identified your underlying weaknesses and flaws, you’ll learn exactly what to do to address that weakness and get strategies and positive action steps that will help you create a more exciting, supportive, fair and passionate marriage.
There are unique quizzes and questionnaires at key points in the book that are designed to inspire you and your partner to change the way you relate, simply by answering the questions.
When you learn the principles and strategies in this eBook, you, too, will experience what thousands of couples have experienced after working with me using this same exact approach:
You’ll realize that you ARE meant to be together, and there was a very good reason you fell in love in the first place.
You’ll start to focus on the positive and downplay the negative aspects of your life together.
You’ll use challenges as opportunities to grow, work as a team, and strengthen your commitment to each other.
You’ll feel the love, support, vitality that you’ve always hoped you’d feel in your marriage.
You can start reading in a matter of minutes here:Start Reading
Don’t give up on your marriage before you learn everything you can about what’s really wrong, and do everything you can to make it right.
I promise you; you won’t regret it.
May you have an extraordinary day,
P.S. Think that all you need to fix your relationship is have more “date nights” or weekend getaways together? Actually, that never works the way you hope. Why? Because you’re still relating in the same way when you’re alone together, no matter what your surroundings!
My eBook will show you how to inject more aliveness into your relationship from the inside out, not through tactics such as “date night.” Find out in 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of here:Here’s How