When you’re going through a tough time in your relationship, do you feel like making love?
Maybe you’re in a crisis with your partner right now.
You’re so bitter, frustrated, and angry that the last thing you want to do is hop in bed and get naked.
I’m not talking about make-up sex that happens after a fight when things are generally good between the two of you.
I mean having physical intimacy when you and your partner are going through prolonged disconnection, tension, and downright serious issues.
Shouldn’t your relationship be in a GOOD place before you have sex?
Shouldn’t it be the icing on the cake of an already great connection?
And that’s a big mistake.
Sex shouldn’t just be something that happens when a relationship is going great, it’s actually a very powerful tool that results in transformative benefits, including reconnecting your relationship and even giving new life to a seemingly “dead” one.
In fact, if you’re having problems with your partner and you want to make sure the relationship self-implodes, go ahead and stop having sex.
Ask any divorced or single person, and they will tell you sex was the first thing to go as their relationship or marriage dissolved. Usually sex stops long before the commitment to be together is broken.
Sex is VITALLY important—it’s actually a key ingredient in creating and maintaining a relationship.
People think being in love makes for better sex, and it’s true. But what you probably don’t know is that having sex actually GENERATES love.
Your sex hormone levels rise when you have sex, and that inspires the desire for more sex and touch, rather than more distance and bitterness. This creates an upward spiral towards togetherness, even if you are having trouble agreeing on an issue or are going through challenging circumstances together.
The act of lovemaking also stimulates the movement of chi (vital energy) in your body, which feels plain good. And so you start to associate these feel-good feelings with your partner, bonding you to each other and wanting more, more, more—of sex AND each other!
Simply put, take away the sex, and the relationship dies.
At the heart of the Chinese medical field is the understanding that sexual vitality is the key to life’s vitality.
The ancient elites in China were adept in strengthening their bodies and lengthening their lives. They had abundant wealth and abundant partners, and they wanted to be sure they lived long enough to enjoy it all.
As an acupuncturist and doctor of Chinese medicine, I began exploring the connection between health and sexuality when I found that as my patients healed, they found their love lives brightening and sparkling—without discussion, without psychotherapy, without re-evaluation. Just as their bodies grew stronger, their vitality grew stronger, and their sex lives grew stronger, too.
In other words, sex doesn’t just lengthen your life, it lengthens the life of your relationship, too.
When you have sex even when you don’t “want” to—because your relationship doesn’t feel good to you—you actually heal yourself right along with your relationship.
Now, I’m not suggesting sex that you resent. My desire for you would be that you allow yourself to surrender to the beauty in the act, to let yourself leave the negativity behind and immerse yourself in the loveliness that is to be found in the touch of your beloved, even if he—or she—is in the dog house at the moment.
You need to be willing to feel the beauty in it, even if you are almost certain you won’t find any as you enter the act.
Maybe you love your partner, but you don’t like him or her right now.
Maybe the feeling—or rather lack of feeling—is mutual.
Things have been so difficult, that all you can see where your beloved used to be is someone who is mean, angry, critical, inconsiderate, unappreciative, or all of the above.
Lovemaking allows us to see that which is magnificent, and sacred, and holy, and delightful in our partners. It is designed to do this, because without sex, our species won’t survive.
When you’re really engaged in the act of making love, you and your partner are truly in your essence—you are embodying all the attributes that made the two of you fall in love in the first place.
You are both, essentially, stripped down—not just physically but emotionally as well. You’re both allowing yourselves to be truly seen. What’s more, in giving and receiving pleasure, you’re embodying the very essence of love.
And it’s really hard to be disconnected from someone when we’re giving ourselves in the act of physical intimacy. Connection happens naturally when we become truly willing to be vulnerable, and when we dedicate ourselves to learning how to please each other—rather than being stubbornly committed to the negativity between you and the correctness of your point of view.
It may sound too simplistic: just have sex and your relationship will improve.
But it really is that simple—if you know how to do it right.
The reality is that most people go their whole lives without experiencing the unrivaled joy, pleasure, and therapeutic benefits of sex because they’re not skilled in it.
Sex, like everything worthwhile, takes skill for it to be truly great—and for you to reap the benefits.
That’s why I suggest you try an experiment, especially if you’re really resisting the idea of having sex when your relationship isn’t great:
Take a hiatus from thinking or talking about your problems with your partner, and instead try out the techniques in my program Passion Play.
I’ll teach you the time-tested skills of the ancient Chinese so you can revitalize your relationship by first getting the sex part right.
You’ll learn what each of you needs to enjoy more pleasure in the bedroom, while also automatically cultivating the skills that lead to a truly connected relationship outside the bedroom.
As your sex life improves, your body will feel better, and so will your relationship. You’ll find that you feel lighter, brighter, and happier—and you’ll feel more connected and in tune with your partner.
And if you don’t see a noticeable difference, you can just go back to focusing on your problems:Try It Now
I think you’ll discover that your sex life will be so satisfying—and your relationship will feel so much better—that you’ll never want to go back to the way things were.
You’ll discover more patience and the ability to navigate the difficulties that created the distance in the first place. Connected, loving sex can help open your minds to new possibilities in resolving even the most challenging conflicts.
P.S. Yin (feminine) energy is like water. It takes a long time to bring it to a boil, but once you do, it stays hot for a very long time.
That’s why, even if the woman in the relationship isn’t “feeling it” and hasn’t been for some time, this is no reason to give up on sex. All she needs is to be warmed right back up. Here’s how:Stoking The Flames