Insecurity is about fear, and nowhere is this more common than in romantic relationship.
As soon as you start liking somebody, there is an almost instantaneous opposite feeling that emerges: fear.
What if this person doesn't like me in return?
What if I say or do something that might give this person the wrong idea about me?
What if I miss my chance to say and do just the right thing?
And then, as you fall in love, the stakes get higher. The more you invest of yourself, the higher the fear climbs.
What if I get all wrapped up in this relationship and then it all comes crashing down?
What if I have to go back out there and start all over again?
What if this is my one and only shot at lasting love?
Commitment and long-term relationship doesn't magically cure insecurity, either - you can have a spouse who is completely committed to you, and yet insecurity will tell you that the rug can be yanked out from under you at any moment.
What if my partner doesn't really love me - or finds someone else more attractive?
Ultimately the fear is: what if I'm just not good enough to have the kind of love I want, and then I will grow old all alone?
If you can relate to at least some of these questions, here's the reason why:
If a partner has ever told you you're insecure, well guess what? He or she isn't off the hook.
That's because fear is a fundamental human emotion, and the desire to be loved is also fairly universal around the globe.
All of us yearn to love and be loved, so as soon as we have the inkling that we've met "someone" - and that a romantic relationship is possible - in creeps the icky shadow of fear.
Feeling insecure isn't entirely a bad thing: Fear lets you know that something is out of harmony and needs to be looked at and that something can be learned when you welcome and get curious about your fear.
Problems happen when insecurity gets the better of you.
You'll know insecurity is out of hand if you tend to become hypervigilant in romantic relationships.
You'll scan your partner for any sign that he's not paying enough attention to you. You'll drive yourself crazy after you catch her chatting with a handsome guest at a party.
No matter how many times your partner tells you they love you, it's never enough.
You may get engaged, buy a house, get married, and have children, but there's always this nagging feeling within you that your partner doesn't really love you as much as you want to be loved.
You might even start to imagine that maybe they're with you just out of duty, commitment, or habit.
You LOOK for reasons why your partner isn't happy with you - if he becomes interested in a new hobby, you think it's because he's just looking for an excuse to spend time away from you.
If she tells you about a new partner who just joined her firm, you'll Google him and start to wonder if she might find him more attractive.
None of these things are probably true, but this is:
Whenever you are operating out of fear like this, you push away love.
Excessive fear (in this case appearing as insecurity), makes it practically impossible to generate the good, positive feelings that promote romance and connection.
The more you worry that your partner will leave, the more tension is created. Instead of feeling loved, your partner feels watched, oppressed, and inadequate.
By questioning your partner's allegiance, you're also sending the message that you don't trust them to love you.
They may try to appease you and demonstrate just how much they love you, but if it's never enough, this becomes a tiring way to live.
And before long, your worst nightmare comes true - your partner wants to leave.
When insecurity is steering your relationships, you can be sure of one thing:
YOU don't love you.
On the surface, it may seem that insecurity is about how you relate to other people, but it's really about how you relate to yourself.
If you don't truly believe you are lovable exactly as you are, then you won't give love to yourself first. You're rejecting your core self, and because of this fundamental discrepancy, you'll automatically fear rejection by other people.
So, until you commit to loving yourself and loving your fear - and not abandoning yourself - you will never be fully happy in a romantic relationship.
The way to put an end to this debilitating predicament is to completely take the focus off your romantic partner and put it squarely on yourself.
You must, above all else, commit to loving yourself first - no matter who sticks around.
The beautiful irony is that as soon as you do this, you discover that other people can't get enough of you.
After working with thousands of singles and couples over the past 30+ years, we've seen time and again that the fastest path to a secure relationship is to learn to love yourself first.
Once you learn to love yourself, life and love become easy.
Your energy is no longer wrapped up in trying to avoid being rejected or hurt.
Your relationships unfold with delightful spontaneity and fun.
Your partner's love feels like a wonderful bonus to your already fulfilling life - rather than this thing you have to grab on to for dear life.
Learning to love yourself is such a powerhouse of a practice - and one that we've been doing ourselves for decades - that we created the Learning to Love Yourself Advanced Program.
The Advanced Program distills everything we've learned about self-love into the most effective path to transformation.
You'll learn how to isolate the fears, doubts, and lack of self acceptance that have led you down the dark path of insecurity - and are therefore keeping you from being truly happy in love.
What makes this program unique is that everything about your transformation is built right in. As you follow along with the audio and video portions, Gay will guide you through experiential exercises that work to create inner shifts, so you don't have to wait to see results. All you have to do is listen, watch, and feel yourself moving into loving acceptance.
You'll learn how to love yourself in three key areas:
These are the three areas people experience the most resistance when it comes to self love, yet these are the areas where you need to love yourself most! Once you learn to love your feelings, your body, and yourself in relationships, you'll feel insecurity loosen its grip.
The Advanced Program is ideal if you want to cut right to the chase and tackle insecurity head on. You'll be able to reinforce your learning and transformation by listening to the audio whenever and wherever you want:Get On The Fast Track Here
With the Learning to Love Yourself Advanced Program, you'll know you're finally changing your romantic destiny - by freeing yourself from the insecurity that has made love so painful, until now.