Does it seem that you and your partner have settled into a comfortable routine?
Not that you necessarily mind…
Maybe work is stressful, the kids are demanding, and you both have a never-ending list of things you have to get done on any given day.
When you’re home after a long, sometimes chaotic day, all you want to do is turn on the TV and zone out to a good series on Netflix. Or just get into a cozy pair of sweatpants and settled in with a good book.
The last thing you want to do is go out on the town.
Or invite friends over for drinks and conversation.
Or seduce your partner—or enjoy them seducing you.
Ugh…It all takes so much energy and time, and you’ve got so much on your plate and on your mind these days.
Yet, when your relationship was new, you had nothing BUT energy and time for each other. You did a lot of fun things together. You traveled more. You were always looking for interesting events to attend or do together.
You’d surprise each other now and then with tickets to a show, or try out a new restaurant.
But things have “settled down” quite a bit since then.
Sweatpants, pizza, TV, kids’ events and errands on weekends.
And you don’t necessarily mind. You think, “Relationships settle down with time. Things get comfortable. Isn’t that normal?”
It may be “typical” but that doesn’t mean it’s “normal” or even a positive thing.
Because underneath all that comfort and complacency, there’s trouble brewing in your relationship, and you probably don’t even know it.
You may think you’ve settled into a kind of cozy normalcy…
But what if your partner is bored with you?
What if they secretly long for more excitement? What if they’re unhappy in the relationship, but can’t pinpoint why? Or they know why, but haven’t been able to be forthcoming about it?
What if there are invisible forces destroying your relationship you don’t even know about?Read More
Many couples in a lackluster relationship don’t try to change it because it feels comfortable—until the day it doesn’t.
“Boring” can be a blessing in a very busy life. An undemanding relationship may feel like just what the doctor ordered if you are exhausted from work, kids, family, and other commitments.
But there is a fine line between comfort and complacency, and complacency and crisis.
You can be comfortable with each other because you think you know each other inside-and out, and you don’t really argue about anything.
Comfort can feel like a refuge when the rest of your life feels chaotic.
But comfort can easily turn into laziness and lethargy when you stop being curious about your partner, stop caring about your personal hygiene, and decide you’d rather watch the latest episode of Games of Thrones than connect with your partner.
Your comfortable rapport can quickly turn into complacency.
And when complacency goes on for too long (and how long is very subjective), you or your partner may wake up one day and realize, “Wow, I feel like I’m living with a roommate, not a lover.”
And then this vague sense of discontent begins to permeate your thoughts.
You or your partner start to secretly look at each other in a negative light.
“She never wants to do anything fun.”
“He just comes home and plops down in front of the TV.”
“She isn’t the person I married.”
“I don’t want to go the rest of my life without romance.”
You may suddenly become aware of the loss of energy, intimacy and sexuality in the relationship, and start to worry that you’re drifting apart.
That’s when most couples will try—and fail—to bring some excitement back into the relationship with strategies that ultimately don’t work.
Maybe you have already tried these ideas to bring your relationship back to life:
And when the things you try to reconnect don’t work, you get discouraged, depressed, and even more dissatisfied.
Which could be a big problem.
The reality is that boredom is one of the most common reasons cited for divorce or separation.
Put another way, you or your partner may be growing apart.
You may not think that’s happening right now, but how do you know?
How do you know your partner isn’t telling themselves that they don’t feel “in love” anymore. Or that you don’t have anything in common? Or that you’ve changed?
If this goes on long enough, either you or your partner may start to imagine how much better your life would be if you were with someone with whom you felt more in tune, more compatible, more alive.
That’s right: You may think your relationship is “just fine.” And you’d be so wrong.
But the good news is that you can inject vitality and aliveness into your relationship in ways that actually work, long-term.
Vitality is highly correlated with happiness and well-being, both personally and relationally.
Along with curiosity, interest in the world, hope, optimism, gratitude, and the capacity to love and be loved, vitality scores high when predicting who is going to be a happy, mentally healthy person, and enjoy contented, stable relationships.
In other words, having a strong system of vitality and aliveness in your relationship can make it stand the test of time, no matter how busy your life gets, or how well you think you know each other.
It’s no coincidence that one of the most common phrases lover’s use during the infatuation stage is, “I feel more alive!”
Enlivened relationships are thrilling; no wonder new lover’s want to spend an inordinate amount of time with each other.
(As a caution, I might add that this is often a phrase used to explain affairs, “He made me feel alive. She brought me back to life.” And why a relationship that lacks vitality is vulnerable to affairs.)
That’s why vitality is one of the main systems that predict long-term relational happiness and success.
And why most couples fail when they simply go about addressing the “symptoms” of boredom (vacations, getaways and date nights, for example).
You need a better strategy, one that works, because it’s based on a more systemic approach.
In my eBook, 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of, you’ll learn specific ways and strategies to inject more aliveness and vitality into your relationship that are much more powerful than simply spending money on some temporary “diversion.”
This includes how to add back passion and sexual energy into your relationship—what I call “hot monogamy.”
I’ll help you do this through a combination of tips and diagnostic questionnaires, which help shift your mindset and behavior simply by getting you to think in a different way about your relationship.
You’ll again start to feel excited to be around your partner, more interested, more alive.
Decades of studying the research and counseling couples has proven to me that it’s easier to add simple, positive habits to make your relationship stronger than it is to try to “fix” the negatives.
That’s why my 5 Forces book is different and way more effective than certain forms of traditional couples’ therapy or trying to figure it out on your own.
In the eBook, you’ll also learn about the other 4 main forces that may be destroying your relationship, especially if you find yourself arguing about these same things, over and over:
And learn what you’re really arguing about, and which system you need to address so you’re not constantly going around in circles, wearing each other out with the same, ineffective complaints and tactics.
You can start reading my book here:Start Reading
Yes, a comfortable relationship can feel lovely, but when it becomes complacent, you’re just headed toward trouble.
Let me show you how to get out of your rut, and make your relationship resistant to boredom, loneliness, cheating and the all-too-common excuse, “We simply grew apart.”
May you have an extraordinary day,
P.S. Do you and your partner complain that one of you works too much, spends too much time on the computer or watching sports, and not enough time helping out around the house?
And does it seem like you keep having this argument over and over, and nothing ever gets resolved? It’s because you’re focusing on the symptoms of a broken system, instead of working toward making positive changes that can fix the broken system once and for all. Find out what you’re really arguing about when you’re complaining about how much time your partner is spending on hobbies, work, or TV in my eBook, The 5 Forces:Find Out