As a doctor and sex educator for over 30 years, want to know the question I get asked the most?
How often should we be having sex?
Chances are, you’ve asked this question yourself. Maybe not out loud. But you’ve wondered.
You’ve wondered whether you’re having too little.
You’ve wondered if your partner wants it too much.
You’ve wondered if maybe there’s something off about your relationship, because your friends seem to be having more sex than you are.
Really, when you wonder how often you should have sex, what you’re really asking is:
That’s really what Sarah and Jeff were wondering when they came to see me. Married over 17 years, she was angry at him because he was “over-sexed” and wanted to make love almost daily, which, from her point of view, was too often.
Jeff was understandably very defensive about this. He recalled how sexually eager his wife was at the beginning of their relationship and was dismayed by the current state of affairs.
When we dug deeper, we found that beneath Sarah’s complaint was a feeling that Jeff just wasn’t sensitive to her feelings, and that he was out of touch with the fact that life wasn’t as carefree as it was before they had children.
For his part, Jeff’s frustration masked fear—fear that he no longer turned on his wife the way he used to, fear that she no longer needed or wanted him in the same way.
Sarah had a valid point, though: Sexual frequency naturally changes when life changes. Not only does life throw curve balls, every person is a world unto themselves…
Everyone has a different sex drive and that drive changes depending upon many factors including your age, health, stress level, the amount of sleep you get, how hard and how many hours you are working, how consistent your sex life is, your gender and genetics, etc.
If the sex drive in one person changes naturally, then consider how complex the picture gets when you have two people—each with their own fluctuating desire.
That’s why there’s really no “normal” when it comes to sex—and how often you should be having it.
It really depends upon the two people involved, including what they are each going through, feeling and needing in their lives at that time.
So there is no “right answer” to the question of sexual frequency.
Has it ever occurred to you that people have sex for different reasons?
The frequency of sex—like showers or eating or anything else we do in life—is determined by WHY we do it. And we have sex for different reasons at different times:
For some couples, each partner wants sex for a different reason. For example, she may primarily use sex to feel more connected to her man, while he uses it to release the stress of the day.
When you look at WHY you have sex—and why your partner wants it—you’ll start to see a connection between those reasons and how often you have it.
By the way, if you don’t know the reasons why your partner has sex, discovering the answer together is an excellent exercise that can build deeper intimacy. For now, remember this:
Think of this magical and mysterious fact:
When you and your partner come together sexually, you are creating something that has never existed before. Your union—consisting of two wholly different people—has never occurred before and will never occur between anyone else.
Thinking of sex this way gives it the reverence it deserves.
That’s why it’s pointless to compare your relationship with any other. The “right” sexual frequency for someone else is not necessarily going to work for you.
What’s more, your relationship today is different than it was last year, and it will be different yet again tomorrow.
Studies have shown that some couples are quite content with one love making session every few weeks. But many people would go bananas with that little. It’s all up to you.
Normal, meaning what most people are interested in, doesn’t matter. The only important thing is what works for both of you.
And if the amount of sex you’re having isn’t working for you or your partner, this is just something to focus on so as to create harmony, but it doesn’t mean you are broken or can’t find a solution.
When I work with couples, I teach them how to look at sex in a completely different way, which in turn completely changes their sexual experience.
I show women and men how to gain more pleasure and sustain it much longer, and this in turn creates a kind of new sexual honeymoon—even if they’ve been on different pages sexually for years.
If the sex you’re having feels better and it’s easier for you to feel turned on and have an orgasm, you’ll be much more likely to have sex more often. Or, maybe the pleasure will be intense enough to sustain you a few days longer, so you can sync up with your partner’s natural rhythm.
If you’re ready for the same kind of transformation in your relationship, you can find all my techniques and teachings in my program Passion Play.
Passion Play is the kind of sex ed you were never taught—it’s a complete distillation of everything I’ve learned as a doctor of Chinese medicine and sex educator for over three decades.
Passion Play will demonstrate, through instructions, illustrations and case studies, how to make the sex you’re having much more pleasurable—transcendent, even. You’ll learn techniques that you’ve never heard of before…techniques that will heighten your enjoyment of sex and wake up parts of your body, mind and heart you didn’t even know were in slumber.
You’ll also discover:
Along with a detailed eBook and video, I’ve also included a bonus where I answer the 10 most frequently asked questions I get about sex—where I dive deeper into the topic of how often you should be doing it:The Best Sex You’ve Never Had—Yet
When it comes to sex, quality matters as much—if not more—than quantity.
When you go through Passion Play, you’ll learn how to have euphoric sex that has exponential effects on your entire wellbeing. And when you and your partner are this energized, you can bet the quality and quantity of sex will exceed your wildest expectations.
P.S. Fluctuating libido is very common—for men and women. But you are not at the mercy of your libido. You can have more control over it, feel sexy again and elevate your relationship by practicing a few simple techniques I’ll teach you in Passion Play:Get On The Same Page Sexually