Do you sometimes need to speak with your partner about the things you want that he or she isn’t giving you?
Maybe you’ve been feeling neglected by them, so you try to be clear and tell them that you need more of their time and attention.
Or, you’ve been feeling lonely because they’re working long hours or spending a lot of time with their friends or hobbies, so you tell them you need them to be around more.
Or, you’ve been feeling disconnected from them and craving words of appreciation and devotion from them, like, “I love you” or “I think you’re wonderful” or “You’re sexy to me.”
When you asked your partner to give you more of what you needed, did they respond:
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”
You don’t get it. What you’re asking for isn’t all that monumental, is it?
You just want to feel loved. You want companionship. You want affection and attention. Is that too much to ask from a romantic partner or someone with whom you have promised to spend the rest of your life?
Yes and no.
Some needs can (and should) be met by your partner. Some can’t. In this article, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between the two.
When you’re in a relationship and have made your needs clear to your partner, is hanging on in the hope they will follow through with promises to meet your needs a sign of neediness, or emotional dependency? Or is it a sign that they simply can’t or won’t meet your needs?
The answer is—it depends on what needs you are talking about.
There are some needs we have that can only be met by another person, and there are other needs that we need to learn to meet ourselves.
The kind of needs that come from emotional dependency, or “neediness”, are:
As an example, whenever you’re feeling like your partner has suddenly gotten distracted or withdrawn their attention, and you want them to make you feel better by paying attention to you and demonstrating their love, you may be displaying emotional dependence, or “neediness.”
You cannot depend on another person to fill these types of needs. These needs are coming from a place of self-rejection or self-abandonment and therefore can ONLY be met from within.Are You Self-Abandoning?
If you are rejecting yourself by believing the false idea that you’re not worthy or lovable—for example, you may think you NEED your partner to give you the sense that you’re worthy or lovable.
We cannot depend on others to “give” us a sense of worthiness or lovability.
Why? For several reasons. They may not be around 24/7, they may not want the job and even if they did want the job, they may have no clue how to do it, anyway. They may not have learned how to build up their OWN sense of worthiness, and wouldn’t know how to build it up in anyone else, including you.
Worthiness is something we either know we have, or we don’t.
If we don’t feel worthy, that likely stems from incidents in childhood when we felt rejected or abandoned in some way by our parents or caregivers.
Our partner will never be able to heal that wound FOR us. We must do the inner work and heal it ourselves by giving ourselves the loving care we so deeply crave from others.
Otherwise, we will never be okay without the constant approval, validation, and attention from others. We will be emotionally dependent and yes—needy.
On the other hand, there are certain needs that can ONLY be met by another person. If you ask your partner to meet these needs, you aren’t being emotionally dependent, you are just asking for something that only another person can give you.
The needs that can only be met by another are:
These are very different needs than the first list.
When we are connecting with ourselves and taking loving care of ourselves by giving ourselves attention, a sense of worthiness, importance, etc. (the needs from the first list), we feel whole and filled with love.
From that place of wholeness, we can generally sense whether or not the other person is capable of the needs of the second list: love, connection, caring, empathy, openness, and honesty. These qualities are either forthcoming or they aren’t. Someone cannot “promise” to give us these things.
So, look within first and see if you are giving yourself the things on the first list. Then you will be able to share with someone the things on the second list.
We all have certain needs. Some, as you have learned, can only be met by another person. Some are needs we must meet for ourselves.
We all need a dependable source of love, for example.
But to expect another (your partner) to be that one dependable source creates the emotional dependency that leads to relationship difficulties.
When we were small, our parents were supposed to be our dependable source of love.
Unfortunately, many parents didn’t know how to love us in the way we needed to be loved, nor did they know how to be a dependable source of love for themselves.
Not receiving what we needed from our parents or other caregivers, and not having role models of how to bring love to ourselves, most of us never learned how to tap into the one and only dependable Source of Love: our higher self.
It took me a long time to learn this. For much of my adult life, I had no idea that it was my responsibility to open to my higher self for my dependable source of love. I kept trying to “get” it from others, creating all sorts of issues for myself.
Not that it isn’t wonderful when others are loving to us. But when you are needy and dependent on another for your dependable source of love, you will never feel the safety and fullness that comes from opening to THE dependable Source of Love.
My 30-day program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love, will show you how to tap into that one dependable source of love within yourself.
You’ll discover a process I’ve developed that’s helped thousands of people all over the world heal their emotional wounding, become mindful of their deepest needs, and take appropriate action to take loving care of themselves.
You’ll also learn how to let go of the false beliefs that cause you unnecessary anxiety and pain.
For example, if you concluded (falsely) from your childhood experiences that you are bad, unlovable, or unworthy, then you will generally behave as if this were true. Your resulting behavior, such as anger or withdrawal when you don’t get what you “need” is geared to protect you from the rejection or engulfment that you fear, but this behavior may actually result in others rejecting you—a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You’ll learn exactly how to give yourself the feelings of worthiness and acceptance that you’ve been looking for from others, maybe your entire life! In this way, you’ll arrive at a place of wholeness, happiness, and joy—and be able to share those positive feelings with others instead of looking to others to make you whole.
Start reading and watching risk-free, and I know you’ll agree this is the most powerful transformation of Self you’ll ever embark on:Get It Here
When you take loving action for your own benefit in this way, you’ll be able to get out of relationship conflict that stems from “neediness” and into the possibility of relationship connection, intimacy, and joy.
P.S. What would it feel like to have all your core needs met? I’m talking about the need for worthiness, attention, importance, and a sense of being lovable?
When you learn how to give yourself the loving care ONLY YOU can, you will feel less alone and more connected with yourself and others. Your belief that you’re bad or flawed will diminish. You’ll feel freer and less afraid, less addicted, and have greater self-esteem and personal power. Learn the process that will get you all this in my program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love:Free Yourself from Neediness