I wanted to share a message I received from a woman who might be in a situation like yours.
If you’re in a relationship but having trouble taking things to the next level because your man doesn’t seem to care where things go next, then don’t miss out on this short tip-filled email.
Me and the man I love met over four years ago and have never been engaged. I am 30 years old and he is 34.
Although he shows me he cares about me, there are no plans to get married soon, and that bothers me. I really don’t know the best way to go about asking him what his plans are as to if he is going to marry me. I am scared if I bring it up it will push him away, and I don’t want to force him into anything. My family and friends tell me that if he isn’t going to marry me soon I should find a guy who will. I love this man a lot and don’t want to lose him, but I also don’t want to feel I am not worthy of being his wife, fiancee or a serious commitment from him. Yet I am scared to confront him about marriage and where our future is going because I don’t know the best way to go about it without being needy or demanding. Please help!!
Really great question, Jen. I’m glad you asked.
You need to be more selfish.
You are “worthy,” and for the love you give, you deserve a man who is ready and willing to share the same in return.
You should never be afraid to want what you want in your life. And that’s doubly true when it comes to your love life.
The fact that you want a close and loving relationship that consists of a longer-term commitment and marriage is great. You deserve what you want, and you are in no way a “needy” woman for wanting that.
So don’t confuse your dreams and desires with being needy or demanding—even if men try and tell you differently. Life is way too short to not follow your heart (and be with a man who doesn’t fully meet you and share the love you’re capable of.)
But wanting something, and how you go about it, are two different things.
Before you try and talk more to the man in your life about marriage, there’s something you need to address first.
You need to feel more comfortable with the fact that it’s ok for you to have marriage as a priority.
Because when you have that funny feeling in your stomach that your man is going to somehow “punish” you or withdraw just because you talk about your dreams and your vision of love, it’s almost impossible for what you want to come out in a way that’s calm, centered, and helps you create what you want with him.
When you’re freaked out at the thought of what might go wrong by talking to him about it, and you’re imagining all the bad things that might happen, you’ve already created distance between you and him, and you’re sure to get a negative reaction from him.
The more comfortable and confident YOU FEEL about yourself, your life, and asking for what you want, the more comfortable other people (your man) are going to be with hearing from you.
And the more likely you are to start getting what you want.
But when you’re already wound up in your head and nervous, guilty, upset or anxious about talking to your man about something, the entire context of your conversation becomes something that feels heavy and negative.
And there’s no more certain way to have a man shut down emotionally than coming to him and starting a conversation with a flood of your own frustrations and fears, when what you really want is for him to see you, see your love, and begin to imagine with you all the wonderful things that are possible in your future.
Let me ask you something important:
How honest are you being? How honest are you with him, and how honest are you being with yourself?
To have your relationship grow, you need to be more honest about what it is that you’re feeling, and what it is that you really want.
Otherwise, there’s no hope for your relationship to grow, because you aren’t putting more of your true self and your heart into it.
Of course, this requires you to be vulnerable. Vulnerable to be truly honest. Vulnerable to show him who you really are, and what you really want. And vulnerable enough to risk hearing “no” if the truth of your relationship is that marriage isn’t in the cards with this man.
Are you clear enough about what marriage is to you and why you want it that you’re ready to tell him that you want marriage, and risk hearing “no” if that’s his truth?
You can keep wanting marriage, and try indirect ways of getting him to want it with you (translation: playing games).
Or you can take a long hard look at your life, your relationship, and what it is you really want and be brave enough to talk about it and go after it—even if it hurts in the short run.
Remember, you can’t make a man want marriage, but you sure can make a man really want YOU.
And if marriage is something you are clear and comfortable with wanting, and you let your man know that to be with you he has to start getting clear about wanting it with you, then things are going to start going your way.
Remember, once you share what you want, don’t make the mistake of trying to convince your man to want what you want, or blame or hurt him when he tells you he doesn’t want exactly what you say you want.
Pleading, convincing or demanding never works with anyone. And why would you want to be with someone you have to strongarm into being with you?
Instead, once you start being clear and honest, you need to lead your relationship to the next level with the things that have the power to take your man there with you:
A man doesn’t just commit to a woman and marriage because it makes sense, or it’s the right thing to do and she wants him to. (At least not in good, happy, healthy marriages that last!)
And he’s ready and willing to commit his life and his love to you, because he doesn’t ever want to lose you and the incredible way you make him feel when he’s around you.
It all starts with knowing how to love yourself, attract a relationship-ready man, and create a love story to stand the test of time.
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I want you to have more fun and see the world of single men as a friendly place. All of us here at Flourish come from a place of TRUTH. With truth, you’ll gain peace of mind. Confidence. Understanding of men. Understanding of what kind of man will really make you happy.