It’s uncanny, isn’t it? You seem to be cursed with an internal homing device that compels you to be drawn to the same type of partner—over and over.
You can practically guarantee it:
You walk into a party; and as if by magic, the person you’re most attracted to is eerily similar to your ex…and the ex before that.
It might not even be apparent to you at first how closely this person matches your previous partner…maybe not until a few weeks of blissful dating and dreaming about possibilities have gone by.
The connection is deep. The sex is amazing. Your whole world turns upside down—in a good way.
“Yes!” you think to yourself. “I FINALLY met someone good for me.”
But within a few weeks or months, your sense of wonder and newfound hope are replaced with a growing realization, and despair, that you’re right back in an old familiar pattern.
You feel chained to your “fate”—destined to repeat painful patterns and, worse, seemingly unable to feel even a smidge of attraction for a person who would actually be good for you.
There’s a good reason why this keeps happening to you, and it’s not because you’re “too broken” to find love.
See, we’re actually wired to be attracted to people with whom our deepest healing needs to happen.
Scientists tell us that a silkworm can smell one other silkworm moth of the opposite sex from six-and-a-half miles away. Our mating instinct may not be that developed, but nature has programmed our romantic radar with the sensitivity to find just the right person to trigger whatever emotional circuitry we need to work through.
All of us have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, anger, manipulation, or abuse. Unconsciously, we seek to heal through our partner. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can then convince him or her to finally love and accept us.
Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.
This partly explains why we get so awkward and insecure around people we’re intensely attracted to. It also explains why our greatest heartbreaks often occur with these most intense, fiery attractions.
When we encounter someone for the first time, our psyche and heart begin an astonishingly complex scan, picking up obvious cues like physique and facial structure, but also noting myriad subtle cues such as body language, facial expression, the contour of the lips, the nuance of the voice, and the muscles around the eyes.
We instantly process this information without even knowing it. All we feel is desire or the lack of it. All of us are attracted to a certain type that stops us dead in our tracks, be it a physical type, an emotional type, or a personality type.
Let’s say that there is a “spectrum of attraction,” from 1 to 10; the people at the far end aren’t physically or romantically attracted to us at all, but those at the upper end are icons—they’re compellingly attractive, leaving us weak in the knees and triggering both our longing and our insecurity.
Some of us react to past heartbreaks by dating only those on the low end of our attraction spectrum; we’re frightened of the intensity and the risk of painful loss when we approach people on the higher end.
We often feel safest with people who don’t do much for us on a physical or romantic level because it just feels more comfortable—but the downside can be boredom, frustration, and a lack of passion.
Many others only date people on the high end of their attraction spectrum, because they believe that’s where real love and passion lie. With someone who is a “high number” on your attraction spectrum, you can tell that you’re attracted in a fraction of a second. This can be achingly exciting, but it’s rarely comfortable or secure.
In my experience, people who only date those on the high end of their attraction spectrum are much more likely to remain single. By contrast, however, attraction to people in the middle of our spectrum is rarely immediate; it usually takes more time to get a sense of how interested we really are in such people.
People who are willing to date in the mid-range are more likely to find real and lasting love. It’s not a matter of selling out, because immediate attraction isn’t the best forecaster of future passion. Intense immediate attractions can blind us to the actual quality of our interactions with others, and to the actual character of the people we date.
Attractions can grow—and many of us have had the experience of becoming more attracted to someone as we got to know him or her better.
I call these “Attractions of Inspiration” (as opposed to deprivation, where we feel intensely turned on but emotionally deprived).
In many attractions of inspiration, it can take time for our attraction to build. In such cases, it can be difficult to resist fleeing in search of something more clear-cut. As a result, many potentially wonderful relationships are cut off before ever being given a chance.
The truth is that we can deepen our healthy attractions, and intensify their passion.
We can’t force our sexual attractions. Most of us have learned that the hard way.
Yet there’s something profound that most of us have never been taught: Although our sexual attractions can’t be controlled, they can be educated—to the point where you can find yourself attracted to completely different types of people who are actually good for you.
This is why I created my program Deeper Dating: The Powerful Path to Authentic Love.
In module 4, you’ll learn how to instantly tell if you’re in an attraction of deprivation or inspiration. I’ll teach you how to naturally lose your taste for attractions of deprivation so you can truly fall head over heels for someone who is actually capable of loving you exactly as you are (no more hiding parts of you in order to not rock the boat)
Instead, Deeper Dating: The Powerful Path to Authentic Love shows you how to find the right person for you—someone who is kind, respectful, and available—and be deeply attracted to them precisely because you are able to reveal ALL of yourself.
As you do this, you actually create new neural pathways that effectively change the way you are attracted to other people.
Even if you’re relentlessly attracted to bad-boys or bad-girls, or to unavailable people, you can still develop this capacity for healthy attractions. And these are not gimmicks; they are the lifelong skills of romance and intimacy—the very same skills you’ll use to keep the passion alive.
Now, you’ll know what to do when you meet someone who inspires you and you feel some spark of attraction—but not full-on fireworks.
You’ll know exactly when to keep going out with a certain someone—or when to move on.
Rest assured, I want you to be deeply attracted to your mate—it’s a disservice to both of you to be in a relationship where there’s no attraction.Rewire Your Attraction Response
When you taste the exquisite experience of an attraction of inspiration—and watch it blossom in astonishment before your very eyes—you’ll never go back into the land of deprivation again.
P.S. What if you’re dating someone kind and also high on your attraction scale, but suddenly, your attraction for them crashes? You start to nitpick the smallest, inconsequential things…their nose hair, their tone of voice, their sense of fashion. Why does this happen?
I call this Wave of Distancing and it’s a very common phenomenon when you’re getting intimate with someone who triggers your intimacy fears. You’ll learn all about this and how to manage it in my Deeper Dating program here:Learn to Manage Fear of Intimacy