There’s a particular kind of attraction that compels the right person to desire you and want to spend time with you. It inspires them to want to get to know you better, and with time, it makes the right person fall deeply in love with you.
This isn’t the usual kind of attraction you may have read about in popular dating advice.
This isn’t about the way you look or the way you act. It’s not about making yourself desirable by dressing a certain way, working out, getting makeovers, or playing hard to get.
It’s not about pretending that you don’t “need” a relationship, or following any sort of “rules” about how busy and available you are.
On the contrary, the kind of attraction that compels a person to fall head-over-heels in love with you doesn’t have anything to do with what you may believe right now.
It has to do with a deeper kind of attraction that doesn’t require you to change, pretend, or hide anything about yourself.
It’s the kind of attraction that develops naturally and draws in the right person, while gently allowing the wrong person to turn away.
Have you ever experienced this situation after meeting someone new and going on a date or two?
You can’t stop thinking about them. You feel so alive and on fire!
The connection is deep. They have that certain “look” that makes your stomach flip and your knees buckle. They’re witty. They make you laugh. They describe something they like or the way they feel and you want to jump up and exclaim, “OMG…me too!”
You have so much in common, including a kind of sexual chemistry that’s undeniable. There’s definitely a spark!
But soon after your date, when you don’t hear from them for a couple of days, you start to get a little anxious. Were you imagining this person felt something for you? Did you say or do something to turn them off?
Or is this just the way things are today when it comes to dating? People are flakey, fickle, busy, immature…
Your sense of wonder and newfound hope are replaced with a growing realization, and despair, that you’re right back in an old familiar pattern.
Here’s the pattern: You think you FINALLY met someone that’s good for you, only to feel let down and hurt.
Take heart. This isn’t happening because you’re “too broken” to find love.
See, we’re actually wired to be attracted to people with whom our deepest healing needs to happen.
We all have unresolved hurts from childhood: betrayal, abuse, abandonment, manipulation. We unconsciously seek out people who remind us of the people from our childhood who hurt us, in an attempt to recreate the relationship and convince him or her to finally love and accept us.
That’s why, when you meet someone with whom you feel a definite spark, you’re going to contort yourself and do things to try to win them over or create superficial attraction. You may try:
You do all these things in order to make yourself more desirable to this person.
But it NEVER works. Why? Because it’s impossible to be authentic while struggling to play a role.
Your insecurity will be apparent. You’ll come across as fake or manipulative.
And what appears at first to be fantastic “chemistry” won’t stick, because as soon as this person has a chance to reflect on the time you spent together, something will feel “off” to them.
As a psychotherapist, I’ve had many clients come to me for help because they wanted so desperately to find love.
Some complained that they felt they were “too much”—too demanding, too intense, too passionate about something. Some complained they weren’t “enough”—that they were too ineffective, quiet, or passive.
Over the years, the characteristics of my clients which I found most inspiring, most essentially them, were the ones that frequently caused them the most suffering.
That’s when I realized that the very aspects that they were trying to hide, or ashamed of, were the most beautiful parts of them.
They were their Core Gifts.
And the reason they weren’t connecting with the right person or finding love was that they didn’t love or honor the most beautiful parts of themselves (their Core Gifts), and therefore, they were attracting people who couldn’t love or honor those parts, either.
Core Gifts are not talents or skills. They more often feel like shameful weaknesses, parts of yourself you’d feel most vulnerable to expose. (“I have a deep need to connect and love texting regularly just to share a thought or experience.”)
They are things about you that others may have criticized or ridiculed in the past (“You’re too sensitive!”)
They may be traits that you don’t want to admit you have, or that you are reticent to expose about yourself on a first date. (“I want more than anything to get married and have a family.”)
They are traits and qualities that you may have felt the need to hide in order to create that superficial, false attraction that NEVER works to bring you real love.
You subconsciously guard and hide your Core Gifts—even from your own consciousness—because you’re afraid of being ridiculed and rejected because of them.
So you hold back, pretend, hide, suppress, withhold your authentic self in a misguided effort to be more “attractive,” or to avoid driving away that one special person you’re really, really into.
And why, up until now, you’ve either:
– failed to attract the kind of person who appreciates you and wants to love you,
– attracted emotionally unavailable, toxic, unkind, or dishonest partners in the past.
In other words, the degree to which you don’t love these parts of yourself is the degree to which you will be drawn to people who also don’t love these parts of you.
In order to attract the right partner and create a healthy, happy relationship, you have to do what probably scares you most:
Not hide them. Not suppress them. Not deny them.
That means you must first uncover what your Core Gifts actually are.
For most, this would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, without guidance. This is why I’ve developed a process to help you uncover your Core Gifts, so you can embrace them and lead with them.
I call this process Deeper Dating, and my program Deeper Dating: The Powerful Path to Authentic Love is a comprehensive, step-by-step “how-to” on this process that will change the way you approach dating relationships and the way you live your life.
It will be a revelation to see that the parts of yourself you previously thought were flaws or embarrassing traits are actually your most beautiful qualities—qualities that you no longer have to hide or push below the surface.
You’ll learn exactly how to honor and then lead with your Core Gifts when you’re dating or meeting other singles so that you’re naturally attracting people who are more likely to appreciate and be drawn to who you really are.
You’ll feel much more relaxed about dating, and much less afraid of rejection.
You’ll gain confidence about being able to attract better partners because you’ll lose your taste for unavailable or toxic people through this process.
You’ll also have a huge “aha” about why your past relationships didn’t work (it’s NOT because you’re lacking or unworthy), and you’ll be able to heal your attachments wounds by dating this way.
This is truly a remarkable process that has helped thousands of my clients throughout the years, and I know it will help you, too:
Trying to be “desirable” to a mate only forces you to contort who you really are, which never works to bring us real love.
It’s not about creating some kind of false or superficial attraction. It’s about honoring your Core Gifts and attracting your soulmate because they are drawn to your essence. That’s why honoring your Core Gifts is such a transformative way to date, and I can’t wait to take you on this journey.