If you’ve been hurt by love in the past, you’re probably a bit more careful about the kind of people you allow into your heart.
Would you agree?
If, in the past, you were involved with a person who lied to you, who cheated on you, or who gaslighted you, you’re probably going to be more vigilant around people who aren’t completely forthcoming or seem to be hiding things from you.
If you broke up with someone who criticized you a lot, or had rage or anger issues, you’re probably going to be on edge when the new person you’re involved with shows signs that they can’t control their emotional outbursts.
But let’s say you’re dating someone right now, and so far, things are going…surprisingly well.
But you still worry sometimes… as if the other shoe is going to drop.
Why? Because in the past, all those relationships that ended badly started out like this, too—exciting, stimulating, fiery. You don’t want to make another mistake again and end up falling for someone who can’t commit, isn’t kind, or will leave you when you least expect it.
That’s why, in this article, I’m going to reveal how you can protect your heart by asking yourself one important question about the person you’re involved with.
The answer to this question will tell you instantly whether this person is potentially a great partner, or whether you might want to disengage yourself sooner rather than later from this relationship.
The reason you worry sometimes is because you’re not 100% positive you can trust your judgement, based on things that happened to you in the past.
You want to trust that the person you desire is actually good for you. You want to trust that they’ll hold your heart in their hands with care and tenderness if you allow them to have it.
But what if they don’t? What if you allow your heart to soften and step into the abyss of love, and they reject you? What if they tell you they can’t love you the way you deserve? What if you never find anyone who will love you?
For a long time on my journey to healthy, lasting love, I was deeply afraid in the same way.
I spent years…no, decades—looking for love and not finding it. Way into my fifties, I was essentially single.
My worst fear—and bitterest secret belief—was that I somehow just wasn’t built to find love.
Whatever “it” was which led people to find sexy, spiritual, wonderful love, just wasn’t an “it” I was blessed with. Mostly, my romantic history consisted of an epic amount of failures in finding love. And trust me, I’m not exaggerating. I was one of the worst daters I knew.
But, like you, I really wanted love.
So what was keeping me from having love?
For one thing, I was using the wrong litmus test on my quest to find the perfect partner. In essence…
All the questions I used to ask myself when I was attracted to someone weren’t helping me get closer to that soulful kind of love I had always wanted. I kept ending up in relationships with unavailable people.
The type of questions I was asking myself included:
Are they attracted to me?
What do I need to do or say to attract them to me?
What do I need to tone down in order to not scare them away?
Maybe you can relate, too. Maybe when you meet someone you like, someone with whom you connect, you also wonder how to behave and what to say, so they’ll want you as much as you want them.
But there’s another question that’s far more powerful, and far better at helping you find and keep healthier relationships.
And the question is, does my soul feel safe with this person?
Can you be your authentic self around this person and not feel embarrassed, ashamed, or constricted in some way?
Can you show even the parts of yourself that you tend to hide, suppress, minimize (because you think they’re “too much” or “weird”) to this person, without fear that they’ll leave?
Yes? Then you have found a potentially kind and beautiful human being. But if the answer is “no”, then you probably don’t want to give your heart to this person.
Right now, you may be thinking, “Yes, safety is really nice, but what about sexual attraction and what about location and what about age and what about height?” Et cetera, et cetera. And yes, all of those are real questions, but when they become your first questions, you become more brittle, more anxious, less resonant with your authentic self.
But when you make your first question, does my soul feel safe with this person? A couple of things happen:
In some cases, you’ll know right away that this person isn’t safe, because they’re going to do something kind of creepy or ugly or unkind. And then you’ll say, “Noted.” And you’ll be aware of that, and you may decide “that’s it, I’m done.”
Or you may say, “I’m going to give this person one more chance, but I’m aware of this tendency.”
When you honor your discrimination, you notice these things and you take them seriously.
As for things like sexual attraction? That’ll take care of itself. It’s either going to be there, or it’s going to be something that you can develop, or maybe this person becomes a friend.
Asking yourself, “Does my soul feel safe with this person?” isn’t just a way to date.
It’s the way to live your life.
When you pay attention to when your soul feels safe, and when it doesn’t, you are honoring your authenticity and the deepest part of who you really are—every part of you. All your quirks, your foibles, your eccentricities. All your sensitivities, passions and gifts, too.
And not just in romantic relationships, but in ALL relationships.
Honoring your authenticity, and asking yourself if you feel safe being yourself around certain people (or situations) can transform your friendships, your career, everything!
It’s that powerful.
But first, in order to know whether or not your soul feels safe, you have to get to know yourself in a very new way.
And that is one of the most challenging and exciting journeys you’ll ever embark on.
The real search for love isn’t about becoming more attractive. It’s about embracing the magic of our authenticity.
And then sharing it with bravery, generosity—and fierce discrimination.
Which is also the recipe for the life we dream of.
When I observed that my single clients were hiding the parts of themselves that were their greatest gifts and places of beauty, it lit an ember of insight in me.
This was why they were so confounded by dating.
It took me years to piece this all together into a theoretical framework and a “process” that I could replicate and teach to others effectively.
This process teaches how to discover and embrace your greatest gifts, or your authentic self. I call this process Deeper Dating.
The process of Deeper Dating is the quickest, easiest, and most direct path to true, lasting, healthy love because you’re no longer wasting time in unhealthy relationships or attracting unavailable partners.
But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs to learn how to discover their authenticity in this way. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all singles who are longing to find a life partner can benefit from these insights and tips.
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Discovering your Core Gifts and learning to honor and embrace them in order to find love is one of the greatest, most important journeys of your entire life.
And it’s one of the great privileges of my life to share what I’ve learned about this path.
The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you see why you’ve been attracting certain types of relationship your entire adult life, why you may not have felt a true sense of romantic connection, and what it really takes to set your soul free in love.
I can’t wait to share all this with you!