Remember how hopeful and enthusiastic you were about meeting your Special Man online before you actually got online?
You felt fairly confident that there’d be a man out there who would appreciate your intelligence, humor, and your unique beauty.
After all, you have so much going for you at your age. You’re experienced, wise, successful in your career, and you’ve got a lovely circle of friends.
You’ve been through a lot, and you have a lot of chutzpah.
You feel pretty darned good about yourself!
Or you DID. Before your experience with online dating.
But ever since you put yourself “out there” with that dating app or site, your self-esteem has taken a beating.
That’s because your experience of online dating has been less than thrilling. In fact, it’s been disappointing. Maybe downright demeaning.
Oh, and you actually put a lot of work into your online dating project! You found the best photos of yourself, freshened up your “date-night” wardrobe, tweaked your online profile (over and over) only to wait, and wait, and wait…and get no contacts from men you want to meet.
Nada. Zip. Zilch. Crickets.
Or maybe you got the nerve to message some men first, only to get more crickets or this:
“Thanks for reaching out, but I already met someone.”
With each “no” your heart sank lower and lower.
And there were those (very few) perfect-looking guys! Their profiles were intriguing. You had so much in common—books, movies, weekend activities…even what you’re looking for in a relationship. They were good looking, fit, interesting. And the way they phrased certain things in their profile made you want to have the opportunity to meet him! You imagined that you could talk and laugh for hours!
How could they have ignored you when you reached out? (Email, swipe, ping, like…whatever.) Just flat-out…nothing or excuses, which felt confusing and so discouraging. Didn’t they realize how perfectly matched you were? Why wouldn’t they even give you a chance?
So then maybe you decided those “perfect guys” were maybe too perfect, so you lowered your standards a little. Even then, nothing!
You were left with the guys who looked like axe murderers, couldn’t spell, or lived thousands of miles away.
It’s no wonder you think online dating sucks. It sucks because rejection sucks. It doesn’t feel good to feel like you’re not good enough, not attractive enough, not young enough…
Just. Not. Enough.
You used to believe that you could handle anything life throws your way, but with online dating, you feel wrecked from all this rejection.
It makes you want to give up on online dating. Maybe dating—or men—all-together.
Or maybe you already have given up. You’re done with how it made you feel about yourself and about men.
Or you’re someone who’s never tried online dating because you dread the idea of setting yourself up for so much rejection.
It intimidates you! (I get it, but just like a lot of things in life, it can seem that way if you’ve never tried it.)
Despite all this, though, you’re still holding on to a shred of hope that there’s a man out there who will appreciate you, desire you, and want to be with you. (And you with him, right?)
But dang…it’s hard to hold on to that hope after all the no’s.
That is what’s so dangerous about online dating and feeling all that rejection.
It can literally put you in hiding for months, even YEARS.
Maybe you still try to meet men “organically” but you aren’t sure where, or how. Single men your age with relationship potential are nowhere to be found! At least you’re not seeing them where you are. And they definitely aren’t approaching you.
So you throw yourself into your career, spend more time at the gym or in yoga classes, or focus on your girlfriends or your kids.
Who needs men anyway??
Well, YOU do. You want a life companion. You get lonely and yearn to have someone you can talk to, laugh with, have fun with, travel with, and plan a future with.
Problem is, you know mature single men are online, but every time you think of that scary, looming prospect of more REJECTION you retreat to your safe, but sometimes lonely, single life.
You’re not alone if you feel this way. In fact, feeling rejection is the top reason why women I help previously gave up on online dating.
They got tired of hearing all the “NO’S” or hearing nothing at all.
What’s most troubling about this, is this is all based on a false idea of what online dating is…and is NOT.
Let me explain.
Even though online dating has the word “dating” in it, it’s NOT dating.
Dating is meeting, having dinner or seeing a show, sharing personal stories, looking into each other’s eyes, and continuing to get to know each other in deeper, more intimate ways. IN PERSON.
When you’re online, you’re taking advantage of the opportunity to share written communications via technology with men you may POTENTIALLY date and get to know. Someday. Maybe.
Swiping, perusing profiles, messaging strangers, glancing at pics…you’re NOT actually “dating.” And while it CAN lead you to the love of your life, it should be called “finding.” Or connecting.
You are each sharing a limited collection of words and a few photos. You are not sharing YOU.
When a man doesn’t respond or stops contact after a couple of messages…that “no” is not at all personal.
He is not rejecting you. He doesn’t know you AT ALL.
He only knows a minuscule snippet of who you are—and it’s all so subjective, based on what you decide to show him in the tiny amount of space provided.
If a man isn’t interested in meeting you after reading your profile, that only means that the information you chose to include there didn’t grab his attention THAT day.
Think about it. It can take a long time to get to know someone, and that’s only if you’re doing things together, having heart-to-heart talks, and seeing that person through life’s ups and downs. If they reject you from reading a few sentences about you, how is that a reflection of your worth as a person? Or as a woman?
All it says is that the day he read your profile and saw your photos, he was looking for something you didn’t include, or he made inferences from what you did choose to include. Or, you two really aren’t a good match.
You said you love sailing and it made him recall that time he got seasick on a whale-watching excursion. You live in the same neighborhood as his sister and he doesn’t want her to see who he’s dating. You mentioned how you observe your spirituality and he sees things differently.
You get the idea…
The point I’m trying to make is that when you feel the stab of rejection when a guy doesn’t respond to you on a site or an app, or he doesn’t ask you out after exchanging a few texts, then you’re making an emotionally dangerous mistake and wasting precious energy.
You’re thinking you’re getting a “no” because there is something wrong with you…when it’s not! And you’re letting it get to you.
A man can’t possibly know the extent of the wonderful woman you are—your kindness, your humor, your passion for life, your cute quirks—simply by glancing at your collection of words. (And you also can’t know if he’s really as wonderful as you think because he wrote a few intriguing things in his online profile.)
So, to summarize, the reason you can instantly remove rejection from your experience of online dating is because:
If you want to be successful with online dating, you will remember that there are always men who WILL see something special in you, something that intrigues them, or makes them smile… and they WILL make a connection.
You’ll only be able to meet these men by rejecting online rejection so you can maintain your optimism, stay online and allow yourself to HAVE FUN going on real dates!
One of the best things about online dating is also one of the most intimidating: there are A LOT of single people online.
This means you have the opportunity to meet and connect with hundreds of single, commitment-ready men you would never have met in real life.
Technology is amazing, isn’t it?
But it can also feel overwhelming, intimidating…scary!
Especially if you allow every “no thanks” comment, or empty in-box to be a direct reflection of your date-ability and attractiveness.
You’ll give up too easily and too soon, and you’ll miss out on the chance to meet that man whom you don’t yet know, but who lives near you, who just may be the guy you’ll fall in love with, and who will love you, too.
It’d be so sad if you gave up before you had the chance to meet Your One.
Once you reject the notion of rejection, you’ll be in the right mindset to see online dating for what it is—a tool to meet potential dates.
Armed with that new perspective, you’ll feel more empowered and relaxed about the process, which already puts you ahead of the crowd online. However, you’ll need certain skills and strategies that will set you apart from the hundreds, maybe thousands of single women on that dating app or site, and get you noticed by the quality men you want to meet.
These skills and strategies will help you take charge and be in control:
Once you have these skills and strategies, you’ll be stunned at how simple and fun online dating can be, and how many good men are looking to spend their lives with a woman just like you.
I’ve been teaching these skills to women over 40 for over a decade, with tremendous success.
I’d love to help you, too, but since I can’t possibly work with every individual who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
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