It’s one of the biggest drawbacks of being single:
Infrequent sex, or no sex at all.
Or is it?
Do you really have to go months or even years without sex if you don’t have a committed partner?
Do you have to resort to taking care of yourself?
Are you going to shut down—down there—because of inaction?
As a doctor and sex educator for over 30 years, I’ll say a big, resounding NO to all of that.
In fact, being single is a singular opportunity for setting yourself up to have the best sex of your life.
And if you ignore your sexuality during this time, you run several risks, because letting your sexuality go stagnant can adversely affect your health, and it can also predispose you to entering relationships with unsuitable partners.
I’ll explain why, but first let’s get clear on the fundamental differences between sex and sexuality—and the implications they have for you.
When I work with singles, one of the first things I want them to understand is that you don’t have to have sex to be sexual. Here’s what I mean:
Most people think of sex as verb—a thing you do that involves sweat and noise and body parts.
What I think is most important isn’t the verb, but the noun: sexuality.
Sexuality is an aspect of who you are that has always been within you and is always available to be tapped into. It’s always present whether or not you have a sexual partner, think you have a good sex life, or feel “sexy.”
You can find sexuality and revel in it everywhere: the way water envelopes every inch of you in the shower, the way flowers blossom in full force in the spring, the way ocean water teases and curls the sand.
You can embrace and celebrate your sexuality by pouring it into anything you do—from cooking to yoga to the way you set up your bedroom.
Now let’s look at the flipside:
You can have sex without bringing your sexuality to it—engaging your body, but not your whole being.
Your mind could be somewhere else—on your to-do list or the important appointment you just remembered. You could be doing it out of fear or obligation, because you’re afraid that if you don’t sleep with a guy, he’ll think you’re too high-maintenance and will move on to someone else. You could be so self-conscious about the way your body looks that you’re holding back and not giving in to the full experience.
Either way, your body is “doing the act,” but everything else—your sexuality—is completely out of the picture.
Yet sexuality is what elevates you and your relationship above pure animal instinct. And it’s absolutely essential for you to be in touch with it if you ever hope to have a fulfilling sex life.
Because, let’s face it…
Let’s say you ARE happily in a relationship.
You’ve finally found the person you want to share your life and your bed with.
They’re not going to be around all the time, are they? There will be many moments when you and your partner will not be naked. Even if you have great, regular sex—which is what I teach and recommend—you’ll have more hours when you’re not having sex.
Sexuality is something that should run throughout your day, always ready to be accessed and tapped into—like a steady power current. If you’re always channelling your sexuality, then when you do have sex the act is elevated way beyond animal instinct.
Yet most people make the mistake of thinking they can just turn their sexuality on and off like a light switch. Or they place the responsibility for feeling sexy on their partners.
It doesn’t work this way. You need to keep your connection to your sexuality intact—even, and especially when, you’re not connecting sexually with your partner.
Otherwise sex becomes something that is just “tacked on”—an afterthought. This is why partners lose desire for each other — they’re trying to jam sex into their relationship the way a doctor who is overbooked squeezes you in. When this happens, you don’t feel very well taken care of, do you?
Conversely, think of the way you’ve been at the beginning stages of a relationship. You and your new beloved were hungry for each other all the time, barely being able to contain yourselves until the next encounter. The power current was constantly on, which made your eventual togetherness even more magical.
The wonderful thing is that you don’t have to wait to meet someone to feel so sexual—and it’s best if you don’t!
As both a Chinese medicine practitioner and a sex educator, I’ve observed time and again that people who reserve sexuality for sex wind up with a host of problems: fatigue, anxiety, inexplicable aches and pains. And those are just the physical consequences.
When you don’t nourish the entire picture of your sexuality, your connection to yourself falters. You lose touch with what makes you special. You miss the opportunity to discover the many flavors of desire. You don’t appreciate the magic of your body.
And when you lose the connection with yourself, it’s impossible to fully connect with another human being.
This is how couples who have every opportunity to have sex wind up like estranged roommates.
I don’t want this to happen to you with your future partner. I want to help you start raising your sexual self-esteem and your capacity for pleasure now:How to Raise Your Sexual Self-Esteem
Maybe you’ve lost touch with your sexuality because you’ve been single for so long, or because something happened in your past that has made you close up sexually.
Maybe it was sexual abuse. Or maybe you’ve just had a string of unsatisfying relationships that have made you wary of being sexual.
Either way, it’s critical for you to get in touch with your sexuality and raise your sexual self-esteem in order to finally feel at home in a relationship.
When your sexual self-esteem is low, you’re a flashing target for a partner who also has low sexual self-esteem. Like attracts like, and when two people with repressed sexuality get together, the relationship is a ticking time bomb.
That’s why when you’re single, you have an important job to do: recover from pain, create a satisfying present, and prepare for the future.
In my program Passion Play, I’ll guide you through all three steps:
1. Recover from pain. In Chapter 7, I’ll teach you why trauma, abuse, low sex drive, lack of responsiveness and sexual inhibition may be keeping you from fully enjoying your sexuality and the specific advice that can help you heal from the pain of these obstacles.
I’ll also recommend exercises and remedies for a variety of common sexual challenges that will aid the movement of healing energy throughout your body and genitals and help you reinvigorate your sexuality.
2. Create a satisfying present. In Chapter 9 you’ll get ancient prescriptions for lifestyle and diet that will enhance not just your capacity for pleasure, but will increase overall wellbeing, mental focus, physical energy and stamina.
3. Prepare for the future. Chapter 8 is dedicated solely to nurturing your sexuality when you’re single. You’ll learn how to cultivate the feminine or masculine dynamic within, so you can be wildly more attractive to your future partner.
You’ll also learn specific techniques for self-pleasure so you can get to know your body and help teach your next lover how to satisfy your needs. This is information that would have saved so many struggling couples had they learned this stuff before they got together.
Passion Play consists of an eBook, a corresponding audio, a video, and a bonus eBook of the Top 10 Questions I Get Asked About Sex.
This program isn’t a typical sexual “techniques” tutorial. I base my entire practice on the sexual practices detailed since ancient times—a 3000-year-old body of work concerning the connection between sexuality, health, and relationships.
Although ancient, these teachings will illuminate why casual sex can send you on an emotional rollercoaster (and why you shouldn’t have it if you want to keep the guy).
You’ll learn what to do during masturbation to make the sensation deepen and spread (as opposed to just getting the job done as quickly as possible). This has exponential benefits for your future relationship, because when people masturbate the same way every time and do so quickly, it makes the shared sex act something one must take more time to adjust to.
And if part of your “pain” is that you keep winding up in difficult relationships, you’re going to breathe a sigh of relief when you read Passion Play. I’ll explain how stagnant sexuality can directly impact the organs in your body—causing you to be habitually attracted to the wrong person!Start Reading Or Listening Now
You can live a deeper sex life with a partner sooner by merging sex with sexuality while you are single.
P.S. Are you worried you’re not “experienced” enough when it comes to sex?
If you think you’re deficient and not worth having a great partner, I have welcome news for you.
Many people love finding a partner with limited experience because it means you can learn together. What’s important is that you nurture your SEXUALITY, and that’s something you can do all by yourself:Ecstatic Intimacy Even When You’re Single