There’s at least one man in your past you had high hopes for, but in return he left you with nothing more than a broken heart and shattered hopes.
And questions. So many questions.
Why did he say he saw a future with you, only to change his mind?
Why did he string you along while you wasted precious time?
How could he carry a particular secret and make you believe everything was fine?
Why did he seem so into you only to never call again?
How could he be so charming and then turn so dark?
Most of all:
How can you ever trust another man again?
In the nearly 20 years I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of people a common theme has come up: the fear of getting hurt yet again. How can they believe next time will be different, when they’ve only know disappointment thus far?
Many, if not most, of them are caught between wanting a happy, healthy relationship and being deeply afraid of actually getting it.
They’ve been hurt so many times that trying again with another man feels like handing their heart over on a silver platter.
They feel powerless, at the mercy of whatever this new person does or doesn’t do.
They know they have so much to give, and yet they don’t trust that a new man will take care of them, because everything in their past tells them they won’t.
Or so it seems.
Because here’s one of the most jaw-dropping, yet life-changing insights I tell these women, and now I’m offering it to you:
“It’s not men you don’t trust. You don’t trust yourself.”
If you don’t trust men, what you’re really feeling is that you don’t trust yourself. That you will make the same mistakes again.
Think about this:
You don’t trust yourself to pick the right person. You don’t trust yourself to get out of a situation even though your gut is telling you that something’s wrong. You don’t trust yourself to put your needs and priorities first.
This looking at how you don’t trust yourself—instead of men—is a very important shift to make if you truly want to find healthy, happy love.
It’s critical, because it moves you from resignation to radical responsibility. Personal responsibility is the only way to create the change you want in your love life.
Not trusting men is an example of putting responsibility outside yourself, where you can’t do anything about your love life.
Even if your former partners were 97% at fault in the ways they hurt you, you really want to look at your 3% and take responsibility for it. Until you do, you won’t trust yourself not to wind up in another heartbreaking situation.
Perhaps in the past you’ve held back from saying the kind of commitment you really want, for fear of scaring away a man. Maybe you overlooked certain dealbreakers because you didn’t want to be single again. Maybe you bent over backwards and molded yourself to a man in order to earn his love.
In any of these instances, YOU betrayed your own trust. And if you can’t trust yourself to keep yourself safe in relationships, then who can you trust?
The answer is nobody.
This is why you have to get very clear about who you were being and how you were showing up in those past relationships—and how you need to show up differently moving forward—to restore trust in YOUR ability to stay safe in love.
Until you see your part clearly and take 100% responsibility for it, you actually can’t trust yourself to not do this again—and deep down you will know that you’re likely to repeat that pattern with someone else if you let someone get close to you again.
The more you can take full personal responsibility, the more you’re going to be able to trust yourself to never do this again. You’re going to liberate yourself from this old pattern and free yourself from the danger of ever repeating it again with someone new.
I want to help you finally break the old patterns that have been keeping you stuck, even if you’ve been really hurt in the past.
Flourish is a community of experts with one common goal: empowering you to create a completely different and beautiful future where ALL your relationships are built on trust and love.
When you subscribe to Flourish’s FREE dating and relationships newsletter, you’ll receive hand-picked advice from seasoned experts. Every article is designed to move you out of any sense of powerlessness and into the life you’ve been longing for. You’ll feel yourself moving out of victimhood as you begin to feel powerful in your love life and magnetic to the love that has so far seemed out of your reach. You’ll learn about:
Imagine being seen, being safe, and having a sense of play and togetherness in your new relationship. Imagine the experience of being with this precious person who loves you so much and is so trustworthy and present for you…
Imagine how happy you are, how safe you feel, how fundamentally well and content you are. How open your heart is.
This kind of deep trust is waiting for you.
And it all begins with you.
Lots of love and bye for now,