When you start dating a guy you’re really, really into, do you wish you had a way to know how he really feels about you, short of actually asking him?
You want to know his intentions because:
So you watch him closely and hang on every word. Are there red flags you’re not seeing? Sure, he’s saying wonderful things, but does he mean them?
You may even have a checklist running in your head.
If he asks you out again within a day or two after a great date, you score a check in the “likes me” box.
If it takes him a day to even respond to a text, you score a check in the “not into me as much” box. But then the next time you see him he says he missed you and has been thinking about you. It’s all so confusing!
The more attraction and chemistry you feel, the more focused you get on his every word, every nuance, and every action. Is he falling for you, too? Does he see things getting more serious?
You’re afraid of just asking him, and for good reason. You’ve experienced men pulling back or disappearing when you give them the where-is-the-relationship-going speech.
But it’s driving you crazy, because this guy could be THE guy. You want to relax and stop worrying about his intentions.
You don’t want to invest all that time and emotion into a guy who’s just going to tell you he’s not “feeling it” for you, is still in love with his ex, or doesn’t want to get serious with anyone right now.
Which leads me to bring up an important point. If you’re that anxious about needing to know where it’s going before giving your relationship a chance to get going, you may be creating the very thing you’re trying your best to avoid.
Just like one of my dating coaching clients did…
I once worked with an amazing woman in her early 30’s—cute, successful, intelligent, and with a huge heart. She had been hurt by lots of disappearing guys.
She couldn’t figure out why she was having so much trouble with dating, and at first, I wasn’t sure, either. She seemed to have it together in so many ways.
But the longer we worked together, it became perfectly clear.
She’d tell me things about her dates that revealed a pattern:
After date 1, she’d say: “We had a lot of fun but we only talked about superficial stuff. What happens when he finds out that there’s a deeper side to me?”
After date 2: “He was 15 minutes late for our date. Does that mean he doesn’t really respect me and my time?”
After date 3: “He hasn’t taken down his profile yet. Is he just using me until he finds someone else?”
Or questions such as these:
“What did it mean if he didn’t call me the next day after we slept together?”
“He was going to spend the holidays with his family and didn’t ask me along, does that mean he doesn’t see a future with me?”
“He canceled our date and had a weak excuse. Is he losing interest?”
The pattern that was crystallizing was that she was too focused on needing to know how a guy felt about her. She would hyper-analyze his every word and move.
It’s normal to have concerns like these, but if you’re too focused on them you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why? Because if you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you’ll create an atmosphere that’s NOT conducive to falling in love.
Maybe you get really quiet and cool if he has to cancel a date or if he isn’t consistently enthusiastic around you, because you’re worried and taking it personally.
Or, you question him about his motives and words. Did he really mean what he said when he told you all those affectionate things?
Or, you don’t take things at face value. If he’s having a bad day for whatever reason, you see it as a reflection of how he’s feeling about YOU.
He’ll look at all this and wonder if you’re really the right partner for him, and may withdraw for a while to think things through. He may even decide he needs a break from dating you. Or he needs to end things because you aren’t the easygoing, confident person he thought you were.
And all because you needed to know “where this is going” before it gets there.
There’s a better way to gauge his interest and intention without going down this dangerous path.
You have a couple of choices when you meet a guy you like and start to date:
And in doing so, you create the self-fulfilling prophecy of driving him away with your inquisitions, touchiness, and mistrust.
If you choose the second option, what should you look for to know how he feels about you without asking him or driving yourself mad?
All you have to do is ask yourself: is he giving me enough of his time, AND is he making an effort?
If he calls every night, and always ends a date by asking for another date, and wants to see you exclusively, then congratulations, you have a boyfriend.
If he freaks out when you act vulnerable on date 6, or flakes out on three straight dates, or goes four straight months without seeing you more than once a week, you don’t.
But you can’t know that on date 1, 2, or 3. And your attempts to figure things out too early on end up killing your chances to get to know him organically.
This is why, if you have a history of dating men who flake out, disappear, or break up with you just when things were starting to get serious, you may want to take a look at the ways you’re sabotaging your relationships and creating self-fulfilling prophecies without being aware that you’re doing so.
It’s a mistake to be so hyper-focused on where a relationship is headed or how a man feels about you before he even gets a chance to get to know you.
Even if you’ve been hurt in the past, even if you say you don’t want to waste your time, it’s still a mistake, because you’ll come across as anything BUT the relaxed, confident, accepting woman he sees himself committing to.
I’ve literally coached thousands of women who have thought the same things, and made the same mistakes, until I pointed things out they hadn’t thought of before. In my 15+ year career as a dating and relationship coach, I’ve heard countless stories of heartbreak. What I’ve observed is that much of this heartbreak happens because women make mistakes based on a misunderstanding about men, how they think, or what makes them fall in love.
Once they hear the truth and date from a reality-based approach as opposed to a fear or assumption-based approach, everything changes.
They start to relax and have more fun dating.
Men ask them out more often and are more enthusiastic and forthcoming about their feelings.
They no longer worry so much about “where it’s going” and start to focus more on whether a man is the RIGHT man and how THEY feel. Not how the man feels.
And that’s an amazing shift, both for your own peace of mind and for the likelihood that you’ll end up falling for a quality man.
I want to offer you that understanding and perspective. It’s why I’ve joined Flourish—a group of well-respected experts who are dedicated to spreading the truth about how to create love, what makes it last, and how to improve EVERY relationship in your life.
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I want you to take back your power when it comes to dating. I want you to have more fun and see the world of single men as a friendly place.
All of us here at Flourish come from a place of TRUTH. With truth, you’ll gain peace of mind. Confidence. Understanding of men. Understanding of what kind of man will really make you happy.