Relationships

Are You Feeling So Stuck In Your Relationship That Sometimes You Think It Might Be Easier To Start Over With Someone Else?

Here’s Why That’s The Biggest Mistake You Could Make
This Is The Definitive Six-Step Process That Has Helped Countless Couples Move From Spinning Their Wheels And On The Verge Of Quitting To Wildly, Deeply, And Joyously In Love

Are you and your partner stuck?

You keep having the same problems—sometimes for years. No matter how much you try to talk about them, they persist. Maybe you’ve even tried to ignore them, hoping they’ll go away.

Dr. Margaret Paul

Best-selling author and co-creator of the six-step Inner Bonding process

Meanwhile, the lack of connection between the two of you is painfully obvious. You don’t feel close to each other, and you’re definitely not excited about each other anymore. Keeping your relationship going has become trying, tedious work.

If you fight, things can get ugly. Your partner may have said things that feel like a stab in the heart. Even when things are “good” between you, these painful words might linger within you like a dark cloud.

Perhaps your partner tries to make amends with you, but when you’re still hurting the last thing you want to do is be close—or let them think you’re okay with what has happened.

Maybe you’ve said more than a few things you regret. You’re well aware that you can’t take them back, and yet in the heat of the moment you become so enraged with your partner. Later, you feel ashamed by your own lack of control.

You don’t like yourself in this relationship. You don’t like who you’ve become—unfulfilled, depressed, anxious, angry. And maybe you’re feeling guilty, too—on the outside it looks like you have it all, yet you’re so unhappy.

You thought you had gotten it right with your partner—things were so good at the beginning—but now you’re in a crisis. You feel so disconnected from your partner, and you don’t know how to move forward.

Often, you think it might be easier to just start over with someone else.

But, unless you’re in a truly abusive relationship, leaving is the biggest mistake you could make.

About 41% Of First Marriages End In Divorce, But That’s Not The Statistic You Should Be Most Concerned About

You’ve probably heard that about half of first marriages “fail.”

What’s even more alarming is that 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

This may be surprising to you, but it’s not to me.

See, I’ve worked with couples in crisis for over 50 years.

When someone comes to me and says they’ve fallen out of love, they typically believe it’s the other person’s fault, and they think they’ll leave and find something better.

But here’s the little detail they’re missing:

They take themselves with them.

And so do you.

No matter what the problems are in your current relationship, they will be in your future relationship too, even though you are partnered with someone else.

That’s because you carry your issues from relationship to relationship. This means you will keep repeating similar painful patterns, no matter whom your partner happens to be.

In other words, you’ll never be truly at peace and happy in a relationship unless you recognize and heal your wounds first.

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This is the reason why people leave a marriage only to feel defeated in the next one. They keep picking new partners thinking that “this one” will make everything alright.

They start off with high hopes, only to eventually hit a wall and feel stuck yet again—because they never resolved their own issues in the first place.

When you have two people coming into a relationship expecting the other person to make everything alright, you have the recipe for relationship dysfunction.

When You’re Blind To Your Unhealed Issues, You Can Only See Blame

“I must have made the wrong choice.”

“He’s a jerk.”

“She treats me badly.”

“If only he would change, we would have a chance.”

“I’m further along than my partner is.”

These are the kinds of statements I hear all the time from clients, and perhaps you’ve said a few of them yourself.

Smiling Couple In Bed

All of these statements are placing blame for the problems in a relationship squarely on the shoulders of the other person.

But the reality is that when both people come into a relationship with unhealed issues, they BOTH create painful relationship dynamics.

That means that regardless of the particular problems in your relationship, both of you are creating the problems AND keeping them alive. Each of you are playing a part in a finely orchestrated dance, as dysfunctional as it may feel.

For example, one person may appear to tyrannically wield all the power: making decisions unilaterally, minimizing what the other partner wants, taking over the finances, etc.

Meanwhile, the other partner feels dismissed, intimidated, and taken for granted. But what’s not so obvious here in this common scenario is that this partner is contributing to the dynamic by not speaking up, by going along, and suffering in silence. (I’ll explain why this happens below.)

When partners realize that they are both contributing to the problems, they can then stop judging and blaming each other. Instead, they can move into the intention to start LEARNING about exactly what is causing their issues in the first place.

But here’s the really exciting part:

It Takes Two People To Make A Relationship Dysfunctional, But It Only Takes One Person To Change It

It’s tempting to see how your partner is causing problems. You think things would be so much better if only he or she would change.

But if you’re in a relationship that is not working, you need to examine your end of the system and commit to healing it—ESPECIALLY if you think most of the fault lies in your partner.

In fact, when someone tells me they’re “further along” than their partner in their growth, I immediately know this isn’t true—and that they still need to heal.

Smiling Girl Sitting On Dock

Because someone who has truly evolved beyond their wounding doesn’t feel superior to their partner and isn’t looking for deficits in him or her.

When you have uncovered and healed your own issues, you stop playing your part in the painful dynamics that exist within your relationship. You effectively interrupt the pattern by removing your dysfunctional part in it.

When one person stops fighting, withdrawing, or resisting, there’s nothing for the other to fight against, complain about, or resist. It’s not always about fighting—withdrawal and resistance are just as common in a struggling relationship.

At this point, one of two things will happen:

The painful problems in your relationship will resolve, or it will become evident that your partner isn’t capable of creating the kind of healthy relationship you want.

This is why you should never leave a relationship (unless, as I've said, there is abuse) until you’ve healed your part of the dysfunction.

Once you heal your end, the relationship might heal. If you don’t take full responsibility for your own healing, you’ll simply go on to repeat similar patterns in your next relationship.

The #1 Unhealed Issue People Take With Them From Relationship To Relationship

If you’re in a relationship that’s not working, it’s not because of fighting, financial problems, incompatible sex drives, anger, addictions, or even infidelity.

It’s not even because the couple misjudged each other at the beginning of the relationship and were driven by lust rather than compatibility. Or because people just grow apart.

It sure may seem this way on the surface. But beneath each of these issues is one common issue that creates them all:

A need for CONTROL.

Wait, you say, but I’m not controlling!

But the control I’m talking about—and the one that sabotages so many relationships— isn’t the kind of control you might imagine.

Control can be overt and obvious, like being domineering, jealous, demanding, and a bully.

Or it can be covert and much harder to spot. This is the much more subtle form of control, and most people don’t even realize they are doing it.

While the overt forms of control are associated with having power over somebody, the subtle forms of control are really misguided attempts to get love and feel safe. Let me explain.

First, all of us control. There’s no blame in trying to control. We ALL do this.

We learned it when we were children, when we were much too little for the big feelings we felt. No matter how great your parents were, you would have experienced a lot of pain when you were young. Most of us did.

Heartbreak, loss, anger, disappointment—it happened, and we were too little to manage it. These feelings scared us, and we tried whatever we could to feel better.

Some of us rebelled, thinking that if we caused a fuss we would get more attention from our parents.

Some of us conformed, making as little fuss as possible in the hopes that this would buy us the love and comfort we needed.

Either way, we were trying to control other people in order to feel loved and avoid pain.

Back then, we just didn’t have tools to handle our emotions, and so we coped by learning other ways to get the love we craved.

These old ways don’t serve us now. Problems happen in our adult relationships when we carry forward the control mechanisms we learned as children.

Some people grew up and became possessive and jealous—if they keep close tabs on their partners and demand they spend all their time with them, they think they can control their partner into staying with them or behaving in a way that makes them feel safe.

Couple Laughing

Some of us, like myself, wanted to control whether or not people rejected us by becoming people pleasers. Caretaking others in spite of losing ourselves, we felt it was safer to ignore our own needs if it meant we wouldn’t be rejected.

Others became overly accommodating—they think that if they don’t make waves or speak up about what they want, people will want to love them and stay with them. It may look very agreeable on the outside, but it’s still controlling behavior—it’s being nice in order to get something in return.

Still others will withdraw, shut down, and withhold affection—they are so afraid of being engulfed in a relationship that they control by keeping their partner at bay.

Anything that has an agenda attached to it (“If I do this, he’ll do that”) is a form of control.

And every time you are in the intention to control, you are actually trying to get love from someone else in order to feel safe.

You’ve essentially handed over responsibility for your feelings.

If, for example, you keep looking for your partner to prove their love to you in order for you to feel safe, you will always feel at the mercy of him or her. You are relying on someone else to make you feel good, rather than knowing you are lovable and will be okay no matter what anyone says or does.

And this is a very scary, precarious place to be.

Another person, no matter how much they love you, can’t fill you up completely.

What’s more, when you place responsibility for your feelings on someone else, it’s an impossible burden to bear, and you end up pushing away the very love you want.

Instead, you must learn to do this for yourself and find your own unending source of love within.

Discovering The Endless Source Of Love Already Within You—To Heal Yourself AND Your Relationship

I was in all kinds of therapy for years when I was younger, and not one therapist told me my problems stemmed from me trying to manage my feelings by controlling others. They also didn’t tell me a basic truth: that I was responsible for my feelings, NOT my husband.

At the time, I was completely oblivious to the fact that my excessive caretaking and over compliance was not a selfless act of love. I didn’t realize it was all attached to an agenda—and that was my need to feel needed. If I felt I was needed and indispensable, then I was lulled into feeling that I would not be rejected. Then I’d be safe, or so I thought.

Smiling Couple Nose to Nose

Meanwhile, all my doing, doing, doing kept me busy enough to avoid the uncomfortable feelings associated with thinking I was unwanted and unloved. These were false beliefs I developed when I was a child and was brought up in a highly dysfunctional family.

Yet here they were, fully alive in my adult relationship. And they created even more problems. The more I attempted to control by caretaking (in other words, “giving to get”), the more resentful and taken for granted I felt. Gradually, not only did my relationship fall apart, but my health deteriorated significantly.

It wasn’t until after years of struggle that I realized I had been overcomplicating things for myself, and placing impossible expectations on my partner. It was obvious all my efforts to feel better weren’t working, and they were making things worse.

So I went the other way. I stopped looking outside myself—to my therapists and my husband—and went straight to the source of it all: me.

It turns out all I needed to do was give myself the permission to stop the caretaking, which would free me up to take responsibility for my own feelings. Only then could I learn how to feel loved, wanted, and safe—no matter who was around.

What I learned then, and what became my mission in life to teach others, is that when you take responsibility, you stop trying to control and instead learn to take loving care of yourself.

That’s when you can tune in to your higher source of truth and stop blaming your partner for not giving you what you are not giving yourself. That’s when you can truly HEAL. And that’s when you discover the greatest love of all.

Introducing Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love—How To Create Boundless Joy And Passion Using The 6-Step Inner Bonding Process

It really is possible to have a wonderful relationship—even if your relationship right now is far from that, or even if you’ve never been in a great relationship.

We always have good reasons for our behavior—including all the ways you and your partner try to control each other.

That’s why I call relationships the PhD of personal growth.

When things get triggered, it does not mean you’re in the wrong relationship (unless, of course, there is physical or emotional abuse), but rather that it’s time to heal the false beliefs that led to the self abandonment and controlling behavior.

Some people are very good at learning to take care of themselves when they’re by themselves, but then they find a partner and everything goes to pieces. Being in a relationship brings up everything within you that needs to be healed, so a relationship is the real test of whether or not you’ve moved beyond your core wounding issues.

That’s why I’ve created my program Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love —to show you how to take care of yourself within the context of a relationship, so you can finally have the connected relationship you’ve always wanted AND feel deeply at peace and loved.

The program is based on a six-step process I developed together with my friend and fellow therapist, Dr. Erika Chopich, and it has helped thousands of people stop the painful—and often subtle—control patterns that keep them stuck and unhappy.

This process, which we call “Inner Bonding” allows you to take complete responsibility for the depressed, anxious, angry, and empty feelings that come up within you. Since 1984, Inner Bonding has helped thousands finally find emotional relief where other therapies have failed.

You’ll be able to soothe your own feelings—all by yourself, which means you’ll be able to heal the roots of these feelings once and for all.

By doing so, you no longer need to engage in controlling behavior—and you essentially break your end of the dynamic within your relationship. No longer will you need to work so hard and feel defeated. Instead, you’ll discover the incredible experience of freely sharing love because you feel deeply at peace and secure within yourself.

Smiling Couple Girl Wearing Hat

This process, if you follow it, always works.

And it’s why people who have tried other forms of therapy finally have real breakthroughs. Especially in their relationships.

Once you go through this program and learn how to do Inner Bonding within your relationship, you’ll find that even long-standing, difficult issues melt away—and incredible closeness takes their place.

Typically, couples in crisis are in a fruitless dynamic: even though both people are trying to control the other to feel loved, they invariably push each other away.

But if even ONE person becomes aware of how they are trying to control, and they heal their end of the dynamic, everything can change.

Power struggles are replaced with compassion and understanding.

Adversaries become allies.

If once there was jealousy and hypervigilance, there’s now a boundless sense of freedom, trust, and security that makes the partners want to get closer.

Where before there was an intent to blame and find fault, the couple now sees the higher good in each other.

And if every decision felt like a negotiation and lackluster compromise, the partners learn to rally together and create solutions that feel good to both of them.

The most delightful surprise of all: when partners are no longer controlling to get love, and they feel boundless love within, they naturally want to SHARE it.

THIS is what you really want—this sense of overflowing love you’ve been fruitlessly trying to feel through attempts to control. You’ve been going around in circles when there’s a shortcut, and it’s right inside you.

You just need the right tools to address your need for control at the source, learn to soothe your own feelings, and create the space for love to flow within you, so that you can then truly share it in an intimate relationship.

In Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love, you’ll learn all six steps of the Inner Bonding process AND experience a 30-day course where you will get to practice Inner Bonding within the framework of your relationship.

You’ll get:

A 9-12 minute video every day for 30 days—that’s over 5 hours of content where you’ll learn the teachings in bite-sized pieces you can really absorb. Each video includes a “loving action” which will allow you to put your new learning into practice.

A 200-page eBook with a lesson for each day—with client examples that build on the video and expand on the principles.

A 7-day Inner Bonding course—this 40-page PDF will guide you through the same six-step process that has helped so many men and women find inner peace and joy in their relationships. (I suggest you read this first!)

You’ll also receive ongoing support and inspirations through our Free Flourish Newsletter. It’s packed with advice, insights and practical strategies from our curated community of experts.

Here’s Just A Sample Of What We’ll Cover Throughout The 30 days Of This Program:

  • The #1 reason for relationship failure and how to keep from repeating painful dynamics from one partner to another
  • The often subtle ways fear of rejection and fear of intimacy show up and create painful consequences in relationships
  • How your partner’s difficult behavior may be a cry for connection—even if it feels like the opposite to you
  • Why sharing your feelings over what your partner did so often backfires, and exactly how to say what you need to without creating more tension
  • How to know whether someone is truly open to learning (this is especially important in the beginning of a relationship when a partner may appear open but will later withdraw)
  • How to know if you’re in a needy state and you’re pulling on your partner so that you feel okay
  • Why it’s common to fall out of love with your partner—even if you’re with the right partner
  • How to know when you are being a caretaker or a caregiver (there’s a major difference, and it’s one you need to know if you’re a people pleaser)
  • How to tap into your own dependable source of love so that you’re not pulling on your partner for this (since he or she can’t always be there for you)
  • How to quickly deal with feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, aloneness, or emptiness—including a simple move that will make you feel better in just a few seconds
  • What to do in the heat of conflict to prevent matters from escalating—and interrupt the stress response so you don’t fuel the fire
  • How to find compassion for yourself and your partner, and manage your heartache and loneliness, in ways that bring inner peace, even if your partner is behaving unlovingly
  • The only two healthy ways of dealing with conflict—and the #1 way to tell whether a couple will be able to resolve conflict in a loving way
  • How to know the right time to try to talk with your partner about a delicate issue (if he or she is not open and receptive, it’s a waste of time to try)
  • What to do when you feel hurt by something your partner said—and how to communicate about it in a way that won’t cause your partner to become defensive or shut down

What we’ll cover in the program:

Days 1-6

Days 1-6

What’s Really Happening In Your Relationship?

  • The difference between getting love and being loving—and what you must do if you want to be in a healthy relationship
  • The two criteria that determine why you attract the people you do
  • The various over and covert ways we all try to control in order to get love and avoid pain (you might be surprised to discover the hidden agendas you carry in order to get approval or protect yourself)
  • How to know if you’re in an anxious/avoidant relationship—a common relationship style where one person is afraid of rejection and the other is afraid of engulfment (losing oneself)
  • The difference between the intention to control and the intention to learn: The surefire way to know whether you’re trying to control your partner and making them responsible for your sense of self
  • What you need to know about the silent treatment and why you need to stop doing it if you want a happy relationship
Days 7-12

Days 7-12

Relationship Systems And What They Mean For You

  • Recognizing the childhood roots of the power struggles you’re experiencing in relationships today
  • The 8 different relationship systems (every relationship is a system) and how to tell which system you’re in
  • When to know the right time to leave a relationship (otherwise you’ll just keep repeating the negative problems in the next one)
  • How to know whether your needs are coming from a place of emotional dependency—which will only lead to pain and frustration
  • How to take loving care of yourself in the face of another’s intent to control
Days 13-18

Days 13-18

A New Way To Handle Conflict

  • The two elements every couple needs to resolve even long-standing, seemingly unresolvable issues (and how much you should bend in order to reach a resolution)
  • How to “lovingly disengage” in order to prevent conflict from escalating (and before things are said that are difficult to take back)
  • What you need to know if you and your partner communicated well at the beginning of the relationship but don’t now (and what to do if your partner is unwilling to resolve an issue)
  • Why sharing feelings can do more harm than good—and an exercise you can do to handle your own anger which will significantly reduce the conflict in your relationship
Days 19-24

Days 19-24

Healing Regardless Of What Your Partner Does

  • What to do when you don’t speak your truth to your partner for fear of rejection—and how to speak up even when it’s hard
  • Why “Let’s Talk” is a trap, and how to resolve conflict without words (instead of fruitlessly trying to talk your partner into understanding)
  • How to set loving boundaries and the number one criteria you need to be willing to implement with boundaries
  • Why betrayal does not have to mean the end of a relationship—plus the 3 steps to healing yourself from betrayal
  • Why leaving a challenging relationship is often a mistake, unless you want to spend the rest of your life alone—plus 5 reasons you might want to leave your relationship
Days 25-30

Days 25-30

Connecting and Reconnecting: Emotionally And Physically

  • The two prerequisites for being able to truly connect with your partner—and how to reconnect after a fight
  • How to know if you’re “loving” your partner in order to get something for yourself—and how to feel fulfilled rather than drained by giving
  • The truth about “incompatible” sex drives and what to do when one of you wants it more than the other
  • The root causes of abandonment wounds and how to heal these within your relationship
  • How to create the safe arena for both you and your partner to do the deep level of work you need to do to heal the wounds of the past and move into your personal power
  • The secret to keeping love and passion alive, even in long-term relationships

Ongoing Support and Inspiration

EXPERT ADVICE NEWSLETTER

Our EXPERT ADVICE NEWSLETTER will give you regular insights and practices to help you stay committed on your journey.

Included in this special bundle is our expert love and transformation advice newsletter. It contains much of our most impactful advice and strategies, and will help you build a strong foundation for living the best, most fulfilled life possible.

Place your order and get full access to Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love in a matter of minutes. Take a full 7 days to examine the program, and implement the loving action steps that will allow you to heal yourself and be at peace in your relationship. Leaving a relationship before you’ve healed your end of the problems is a waste of time—unless you’ve decided you want to be alone. So don’t delay in starting your own healing.

If, at the end of the 7 days, you decide this isn’t the right solution for you, simply let me know and I’ll refund your investment in FULL, no questions, no hassle. This is my promise: You’ll find outstanding value from this program after putting it into practice for a full week or pay nothing!

Once you place your order, you’ll also begin receiving the Flourish newsletter—which means even more advice from our curated community of experts. We’ll send you articles with eye-opening insights and practical strategies you can put into practice right away. It’s completely free, and it’s our way of helping you flourish in every area of your life.

My Risk-Free Promise

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You Can Only Share Love When You Already Have It Within

The most joyous thing in life happens when you and your partner learn how to take loving care of yourselves, and stop seeking to get love from each other. You are so filled with love that you just need to share it. Love is literally overflowing.

This is the most fun you can have in a relationship. You feel wildly, joyously in love.

Neither you nor your partner is keeping score or keeping tabs. You are never worried that you will be unloved, rejected, or taken for granted. Each partner knows, deep inside, that there’s always more where that came from.

Couple Laughing Cheek to Cheek

This is what it feels like when you’ve done the work in Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love. You generate an abundance of love and joy that fills your days together.

Suddenly, your relationship is better than it ever was:

The passion has returned, and it’s more on fire than ever—you love being with each other and you want to care about and support each other.

There’s more laughter, more fun, more time to just BE with each other and enjoy life as an adventure, because you’re no longer wasting time and energy in fruitless control.

Most of all, there’s no longer that nagging feeling that this is just too hard, that you’re gasping for air, and that you want to push the eject button.

Instead, you feel so free to be yourself in this relationship that you have no need to run from it. You feel truly at home.

There truly is nothing better, and I believe it’s what we’re all aching to experience—for ourselves, for our relationships, and for our entire world.

It is my purpose on the planet to teach everyone to fill themselves up with love so they no longer have to look for it on the outside.

When you know love is always with you, then you realize the most beautiful thing: you ARE love. So is your partner.

Compassion and connection overflow as both of you always look for the highest good in each other and know there’s no other place you’d rather be.

Blessings,

Margaret Paul

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$39.97
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