Despite so much “going right,” do you often feel that life is hard?
You worry all the time. And there’s this persistent, negative voice inside your head that never leaves you alone.
Telling you all the ways you are wrong. Reminding you not to mess up AGAIN.
Pointing out all your faults. All your loved ones’ faults. All the danger signs and risks and reasons why it won’t work out.
Best-selling author and co-creator of the six-step Inner Bonding process
Discontent. Anxiety. Exhaustion. Depression.
That nagging malaise that wakes up right alongside you in the morning and haunts you until you fall asleep.
Why do people take you for granted?
Why hasn’t life turned out the way you envisioned?
Why can’t someone else step up for a change?
Why is it all up to you?
Why are people so hard to please?
Why won’t your partner/child/family be more loving?
Why is your boss so demanding/insensitive/unappreciative?
Why can’t you meet someone you like, who also likes you?
Why… why… why… .
You tell yourself it’s OTHER PEOPLE who are the cause. That life would be better if they would treat you better or stop doing things that worry or hurt you.
You are so tired of struggling. Of always saying yes when you want to say no. Of never feeling truly happy.
You want to relax and be yourself without worrying that others won’t accept you.
You want to wake up enthusiastic and excited about the day ahead.
You want your relationships to be conflict-free and enjoyable.
You only want to say “yes” to things that make your heart glad.
Life feels hard because you THINK you can’t have these things.
But you know what?
You can feel like a capable, valuable, lovable, respected person with complete agency over your life.
And it’s not about waiting for anything to change or for anyone to treat you better.
That uncaring partner, the rude treatment you get from family and friends, the lack of financial security, the flakey kids, the health issues—NONE of these are the reason you’re not happy.
That’s because there’s so much more going on beneath the surface of your life than you think.
There IS a root cause to your worry and anxiety, your relationship conflicts, your unwanted habits, and your relentlessly annoying internal voice. But it’s not what others do or say, and it’s not your circumstances.
It IS something that you have complete control over, and this can get better—way better.
But until you uncover this and acknowledge it, you’ll continue to be stuck, worried, conflicted, and unhappy.
200+ pages of powerful advice, exercises and life-changing insights
Here’s something you may have never realized before…
What your unhappiness, strained relationships, internal conflict, and unwanted habits indicate is that you’re in deep, emotional pain, but either you:
don’t know it,
don’t fully understand it,
or don’t know what to do about it.
You have this vague sense that you have painful feelings that sap your joy, energy, and productivity on a daily basis.
You think, I feel tired… offended… angry… worried… bored.
But have you ever really allowed yourself to face the full agony of that pain?
Or, as soon as something happens that brings up those feelings, do you:
Call a friend to vent?
Reach for that bag of chips?
Walk to the break room for another cup of coffee or a cookie?
Pour yourself another glass of wine?
Turn on the TV?
You may THINK you’re feeling your feelings, but what you’re really doing is trying to distract, deflect, deny, and numb yourself in order to NOT have to feel it.
And that’s not all. There are other ways you avoid facing that pain.
You keep busy…
You work late or go in on weekends, even if you don’t have to. You join a half dozen clubs and run around from activity to activity. You waste hours scrolling through social media every week.
You read work emails late at night. You tidy and clean.
When you’re not sure what to do, you shuffle around like a sleepwalker to the kitchen, searching the refrigerator and cupboards for junk food you know you shouldn’t have, but eat anyway.
You impulsively shop for things online, then when the packages arrive you barely remember what you ordered, and sometimes don’t even open the package for days.
You deny your pain…
You’re convinced it’s because your partner is unloving or your friends and family are uncaring, rude, or clueless. Or that the people you work with are inept.
It’s not your pain, you think, it’s just a response to rude, stupid, or hurtful people.
You complain, judge, and avoid in order to push that pain “out there” and make it someone else’s responsibility.
These are all dysfunctional ways of dealing with your subconscious, painful feelings that, for the most part, you’re either completely unaware that you have or you don’t fully understand!
What’s worse is that these dysfunctional strategies are keeping you in emotional limbo, because the underlying cause of your pain is never addressed.
So you deny, distract, and deflect…
… and the pain gets bigger and stronger and louder.
Guilt, shame, anxiety, anger, depression, boredom—we can all say we’ve had these feelings at some point, sometimes even daily.
But by far one of the most painful feelings we have is FEAR.
It’s so painful that this is the one emotion we push down, deny, and numb with addictions and distractions. What exactly are we afraid of?
We are afraid that we are unworthy, unlovable, or fundamentally alone.
The mere thought of it is gut-wrenching.
And it stems from hundreds of false beliefs that reside in the lower, subconscious part of our brain—our ego wounded self.
These false beliefs tell us that we must be productive, please others, look good, make others like us—all in order to avoid being unworthy, unlovable, and fundamentally alone.
These false beliefs govern our lives and block our ability to manifest what we really want in life.
These false beliefs were programmed in our mind by the way that we were treated growing up, or what we observed from our parents or caregivers and the way they treated themselves.
You see, as children, we were taught about what’s “good” and what’s “bad.” Sometimes our parents told us that WE were good or bad for behaving a certain way. Because we are helpless to care for ourselves at such a young age, the idea of displeasing our parents or caregivers frightened us. In our developing minds, being loved and accepted by our parents was tantamount to survival.
We therefore equated being “bad” with a loss of love (abandonment, and therefore peril), so we’d adjust our behavior (find ways to cope) in order to feel safe.
The perceived abandonment and rejection in childhood created a “wounding” in our psyche.
And by the way, it doesn’t matter how lovely of a childhood you think you had. Every one of us has suffered some type of wounding like this in childhood, because no parent or caregiver is perfect or can be there for a child every second of every day.
As children, we didn’t know how to cope with the pain of feeling rejected or abandoned by our parents or caregivers, or by teachers, peers, or religious leaders, so we developed certain coping strategies to avoid feeling that pain and to get the love and acceptance we so desperately needed.
These coping strategies weren’t sophisticated or healing because we were just children and didn’t yet have the know-how or the tools to help ourselves.
As adults, we still allow that part of ourselves—that carries all the pain of perceived abandonment and rejection of childhood—to run our lives when things become tense, stressful, or when painful feelings come to the surface.
Essentially, we revert to our old coping strategies when things get stressful, and self-abandon. When we self-abandon, we numb out in the face of pain and do things that are not in our best interest in order to avoid feeling our pain.
Self-abandoning becomes the dysfunctional, go-to strategy whenever we begin to feel unlovable or unworthy or alone.
We self-abandon by lashing out, blaming, internalizing our self-loathing with self-judgments, when we people-please, or try to control others.
We self-abandon when don’t show up for ourselves.
When we say yes to things that aren’t in our best interest, or that we don’t want to do.
When we give so much we feel used.
When we allow others to abuse or neglect us, and then blame ourselves for being weak or stupid.
We self-abandon when we lose ourselves in relationships, forget the things and hobbies we used to love, or when we act like martyrs.
We self-abandon when we fail to be loving to ourselves, or when we are convinced that doing so is “indulgent” or “selfish.”
We self-abandon when we overeat, smoke, drink, do drugs, or behave promiscuously.
So in a sense, self-abandonment means that the way people treat you isn’t the problem.
It’s the way you’re treating yourself.
Most of us don’t know how to treat ourselves any better than we do.
Maybe we didn’t have good role models for this growing up. Perhaps our parents or caregivers didn’t treat themselves with love, and much of the time, they didn’t treat each other in a loving way, either.
They didn’t show us how to set good boundaries or how to listen to that loving, internal voice of wisdom.
We grew up either trying to figure that out later, or we never figured it out.
Society and TV and the media is no help, either. It tells us that “loving ourselves” is either narcissistic or it means booking an exotic vacation or going to a day spa.
But there is a way to be loving to yourself and it involves listening to and attending to that wounded, fearful part of us that takes over our thoughts, feelings, and relationships.
It’s through a process I developed in 1984, together with my friend and fellow therapist, Dr. Erika Chopich, and taught to clients through workshops or one-on-one to help them stop the painful, dysfunctional patterns that kept them stuck and unhappy in life.
This process helped thousands of clients find emotional relief where other therapies failed. I often hear that this process is the single most transformational tool in their lives and relationships.
It’s given them access to a sense of peace and joy like nothing else ever has.
This process is called Inner Bonding.
Recognizing our emotional pain and knowing how to be more loving to ourselves is the key to solving so many of our personal and relationship problems.
Clients often come to me and say, I’m not happy, but I don’t understand why. I have every reason to be happy. I have the house, the vacations, a good partner, work I like. The kids are doing okay…
But I have communication problems at work.
I can’t seem to get along with people.
I’m told I’m difficult to deal with.
I can’t seem to find the time or energy to take better care of myself, and it shows.
Yes, they may “have it all,” but they’re not happy because they’re abandoning themselves. And they don’t understand that healing self-abandonment is the basis for feeling content and at peace with yourself and others.
Inner Bonding is the process that heals self-abandonment.
Once I show them how to work the 6-step Inner Bonding process, they begin to see how they’re creating their own pain, which is a revelation to them. If they are creating their pain, that means they can heal their pain, too.
They feel so much better about themselves. They stop judging themselves and others. They’re much more productive at home and at work, because all that energy they were using to blame and complain is now being used for the things that matter most to them.
That’s why I decided to do a deep-dive into the 6-step Inner Bonding process in my new book, Thriving At Last, which I wrote exclusively for Flourish. I wanted to make available a comprehensive, easy-to-read, step-by-step manual that not only gives you the theory and “why” of Inner Bonding, but it presents you with therapeutic self-reflection exercises that take you through this process in real-time.
After you learn and practice the 6-step process of Inner Bonding contained in my eBook, Thriving At Last, you’ll be able to uncover the hidden reasons why you’re unhappy and having relationship conflicts. You’ll finally be able to bring to light the underlying beliefs and feelings that are driving your patterns, and you’ll discover the specific action you need to take in order to be loving to yourself.
You’ll discover something you may not have pondered up until now—what’s actually in your highest interest and benefit.
After you work the 6 steps, you’ll likely find that the painful feelings are subsiding and you’re enjoying a greater sense of lightness and openness.
You’re much less likely to lash out at loved ones, or sink into a funk for no apparent reason, because you’re expressing what you’ve been afraid to express, or doing what you’ve wanted to do for yourself for so long.
You’ll begin to challenge the beliefs driving your negative internal voice, and feel it transform into a voice of understanding and encouragement, instead of derision and judgment. Your internal voice will become your best friend and a source of unlimited inner wisdom.
Eventually, you may realize that you really enjoy your “alone” time, without feeling rejected or abandoned. You need not be an introvert to enjoy this benefit!
You will start to value your body, health, and well-being and actually enjoy healthier foods and exercise, and have an easier time saying “no” to addictive junk foods.
You’ll be able laugh at yourself, and not take life quite so seriously, so that even setbacks and life’s sad moments are put into perspective.
You’ll feel a greater empathy and compassion for others, because you’ll see that they, too, have inner pain, just like you. You won’t be envious or jealous of anyone’s good fortune, because you have everything you need to feel whole and happy.
You won’t have a strong need for “stuff” or material wealth because you’ll feel “rich” just walking in nature, or waking up to a beautiful sunrise.
You’ll be deeply aware of your own goodness, worth, and lovability, which will not only heal your internal pain and dysfunctional patterns, but will make you incredibly attractive to your partner or potential partners. And if someone doesn’t see your worth and lovability, you’re perfectly okay with that, because you’ll be solid in how you feel about yourself.
Best of all, you’ll no longer feel responsible for others’ feelings, which makes it effortless to set appropriate boundaries and keep a safe distance from toxic, abusive people. You’ll be willing to lose others rather than lose yourself to manipulative, controlling, or abusive behavior. You won’t feel the impulse to want to “fix” anyone, either.
You will be firmly rooted in the belief that you can make yourself happy, no matter what’s happening in your life or who is (or isn’t) in your life at any given moment.
This is the key to your peace of mind and happiness. Not blaming your circumstances, not blaming others and their treatment of you.
But being loving to yourself. Taking full responsibility for your pain. And doing what you need to do to heal it.
In Thriving At Last: 6 steps to Miraculously Transform Your Life… From the Inside Out, you’ll learn all six steps of the Inner Bonding process and apply it in real-time using intensive self-reflection questionnaires and exercises and powerful experiential techniques.
A 200+ page eBook that teaches you the principles behind the process of Inner Bonding, as well as how to apply it and practice it in your life, step-by-step. You can download this eBook in minutes, start to uncover the source of your emotional pain, and start to heal as soon as possible.
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In addition to monthly eye-opening interviews, we’ve got loads of surprises and bonus content to sweeten the deal (including these three gems in your first free month!)
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Like so many people I’ve worked with in the last several decades, you may be relieved to know that there’s a real and lasting solution to your persistent feelings of anxiety, malaise, anger, and discontent. You may have “tried everything” to feel better, with little to no success. Perhaps your entire adult life, you believed that other people’s behavior, or your unfortunate or unlucky circumstances, were the reason you couldn’t feel at peace.
You felt powerless, inadequate, even hopeless.
But all along, the real reason you weren’t at peace was because you weren’t being loving to yourself.
And being loving to yourself is completely within your control!
As you become more loving with yourself through the process contained in Thriving At Last, that hidden, wounded, fractured part of you softens and opens up. You become attuned to what you need, and your attunement locks in much quicker.
The more loving you are with yourself, the better you’ll feel every day. Your relationships will be less contentious and you’ll have less personal resistance to making healthier choices.
That’s why, when clients ask me, “What if this doesn’t work?” I answer them by saying that this is a process based on being loving to yourself, and love always works. These six-steps are very powerful and they always work when you practice them.
Uncovering the subconscious, hidden reasons for your emotional pain and taking the action to be loving to yourself is the key to a joyful, love-filled, productive life.
You’ll enjoy an increased level of personal power, self-worth, and inner-peace. Rather than feeling victimized by others’ behavior, you will take responsibility for your feelings and behavior, and you will no longer feel personally responsible for the feelings and behaviors of others.
You will trust yourself, and feel more generosity and compassion toward yourself and others. You’ll act with integrity to honor what you need in order to feel safe, respected, and loved. In other words, you’ll be able to stand up for yourself, and speak openly and directly about what you need in order to take loving care of yourself.
You’ll no longer be hijacked by mindless, unhealthy habits that leave you feeling depleted and sick. You’ll be empowered to mindfully choose to act in your own best interest, and be empowered to get through tough times and difficult moments with courage and resilience.
You’ll have more clarity about what you need to do in order to be fulfilled and purposeful in life. You won’t need to feel guilty about keeping your distance from hurtful, toxic people. You’ll stop taking others’ words and behavior personally, which will make ALL your relationships more cooperative, intimate, and relaxed.
It’s a process you’ll love refining and mastering, because the more you do it, the easier it gets and the more benefits you enjoy.
One day, you’ll wake up and realize your entire life is transformed.
You’ve attained a sense of contentment and peace that’s always eluded you. In other words, you’ll be thriving at last.